moving on up

In honor of our new house, which we get to move into June 1st, I’m also moving to a new internet residence.

I turned the comments for loafe back on, so people can continue to say whatever they want. And I’ll probably continue to do updates of a more benign nature here, just because I love loafe. She’s my baby. And I love my readers, those in my real life of course, but also those I don’t know, the ones who’ve had no good reason to stick around all these years, but have anyway just to see what stupid things are happening in my life.

Nothing really specific is prompting this little move of mine. I just need to be anonymous again. Too many people I know read my site, and it is keeping me from writing with real honesty. My aim is not true.

I was talking with some good friends in Tucson, and we were discussing things like myspace (my circle of friends in Tucson all seem to be involved in the myspace hoopla in one way or another) and my own site. I admitted to them that I hold back these days, I don’t say whatever I want or talk about whatever I feel like, because I know the people who are reading.

While I’ve tried not to change all I love about loafe and the reasons I started it, I haven’t been successful. I watch what I say, I edit and censor myself, I avoid certain subjects. I still manage to talk about very personal matters, and I mention people by name, and maybe I’m not being fair. Anything I say here I would say to them directly (well, with the exception of my family, duh), but maybe that isn’t entirely true. Maybe it isn’t right for me to talk so freely and openly about Gordon and my sex life and the myriad of relationship issues we have when so many of the people reading KNOW Gordon, deal with him on a regular basis. I’d like to think that everything I’ve said about Gordon I’ve already said to him or would say if the opportunity arose. But in truth I’ve probably said things I would never say directly to him, even though he knows about loafe. He just actively chooses not to read it.

Anyway, my point is that I am not being fair; to the people I care about and to myself. Therefore, I am off to inhabit new lands. If some of you happen to find me, so be it, but don’t ask because I’m not telling you.

Obviously, I’m home now, I survived the four day cross-country trip in the moving truck with my father and my son. It wasn’t easy, but we made it. Never again, mind you. Never again.

I’ll tell you this much. Three good things came from my trip to AZ. a) seeing my friends. b) getting my stuff. and c) quashing the lingering doubts regarding my decision to move back to Boston. Even as I was flying to Tucson last week to move the rest of my belongings to Boston, I was unsure. I still wondered, “did I do the right thing by moving? Am I doing the best thing for my family? Should I have stayed in Tucson?” But after only one day in Arizona, my choice was validated and reaffirmed. And boy, what a welcome relief. That’s something I don’t need to stress about anymore. I need to be as far away from my family as possible. They won’t let me be who I need and want to be and I understand why. Happiness is unattainable for me in Tucson. I know this now and I feel at peace with it. Tucson and my family refuse to let me move beyond my childhood. So I have to do what I have to do.

Not to say that I don’t love Tucson, because I do, I really do. It’s such a great little city. Honestly though, it’s just not the same place it once was. The winds of change are strong and you can’t stand against them for very long. Tucson is changing and it’s changing without me, making it difficult for me to accept. And I’ve changed as well, so I feel a bit like a square peg squeezing into a round hole.

Besides, the sun is way too hot and burning, and even though it was barely May, everything was so bleached and faded and dry. It was depressing as hell. I just felt exhausted from it, from the sun. I enjoy all the green lushness and moist air around New England. It’s very refreshing and inspiring. It’s hard to find joy when day after day is full of stifling heat and dusty air, where the sun obliterates everything and makes your world shapeless and undefined. Wavy, white blinding light. Too much for me. Although the winters here are a lot like summers there–nothing stands out against the backdrop of melancholy. I guess I’m just in a more “cold is better” kind of mood. The other three seasons of New England make the winter bearable. Tucson has two seasons, hot and not so hot. I just can’t stand all the desert dust and the freaking mexicans everywhere.

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