Dreams and spritzers
I am okay with being alone. then I’ll dream about dating someone, or kissing someone, or being intimate with someone, and the sensation, the experience, the feeling… it is so pleasurable, so electric, it overwhelms me. It’s like a forgotten memory is suddenly alive again, new yet familiar, lighting up all the dark places.
Even when I wake up, I can still taste that yearning, it lingers all day, burning on my tongue, tingling in my toes.
these dreams do leave me feeling a bit lonely. I don’t want to be in a relationship but I want… something? I don’t know. Sharing a quiet connection with someone, wordless, without shape or form, but seeing it there, in his eyes as he looks at me. With a man that doesn’t make me feel weird or uncomfortable or annoyed.
My best (looking) days are behind me, so the odds are not in my favor. I wouldn’t say the future is hopelessly bleak but it is concerning and uncertain.
What I’m trying to avoid, with limited success, is belittling myself. I don’t need to lay siege upon my confidence by listing all my flaws, questioning my value, asking what about me is even worth anyone else’s time or attention.
What I’ll do instead is focus on my 2023 resolutions. I have two right now. Secondary resolution is learn to knit. Primary: find my signature cocktail.
I’m gonna start with a cranberry spritzer I think. Or a peppermint mocha smuggler. Even tho both of these are wintery/christmasy drinks that I might not want in summer, trying them is PART OF THE PROCESS okay? I HAVE TO TRY THEM ALL.
if you have any suggestions for me, drop it in the feedback box on the counter.