Beans and sadness
More sprouting beans!
Come on little beans. You can do it!
I like sharing my plant life here. It’s okay that there’s no one to read it. I still like talking about it. Typing about it.
But when I think about sharing my life again for real, with an actual person, well, I just can’t picture it. All I see is the bad.
there has to be good things though, right? That’s why people do it. So… what are the good things about being in a relationship? I’m truly curious. Thinking about those supposedly good things makes my skin crawl, my stomach churn. Cuddling with someone? Gross. Talking about my day? Ugh. Watching a movie together? No thanks. I’ve done all those things and presumably I liked them? But now it sounds horrifying to me.
how did I get here? Have I become this way from being alone for so long? From the pandemic? From an abusive ex? Or have I always been this way? It feels like I’ve always been this way. And maybe it’s just become more pronounced, because of all those things. And now that I’m older, I finally feel comfortable enough to quit pretending I care about things.
I like being by myself. I like my own company and I like being alone and talking to myself and making myself laugh.
Then I wonder if that’s really true. Am I fooling myself? Saying I like to be alone but really I am desperate for a relationship? Cause I definitely get lonely. I miss having regular sex. I get a kick out of making other people laugh.
But every single person I meet is just so boring. Nothing of value to me beyond the physical. And I’m getting to the point where I don’t even care about that anymore.
So I don’t think it’s that I’ve convinced myself I’m better off alone. It’s that I am in fact better off alone. there is no one, not a single person, that thrills me, excites me, makes me want to end my solitude.
Okay okay, I admit that a part of me believes that there is someone right around the corner, someone who can change all this, who can break though, who can make me feel something. It’s a silly useless part of me, but nonetheless.
If that person did exist and I met him tomorrow, could I handle it?
When I consider my past relationships, why have I pushed away good men but let the shit ones in? I grapple with two competing thoughts.
Is it because I feel like I don’t deserve goodness? Do I not value my own worth? Is my self esteem that low? Am I so inadequate that only jerks can love me? That being treated poorly is the best I can hope for?
OR!
Is it because I am so full of myself that I pick these low level men just to feel superior? So I don’t have to be challenged or work hard? So I can look down at them from above? So I can remain the angel among demons?
I’m either a total narcissist or an insecure loser. No matter what, it’s not great. So yeah, I think being alone is the right choice. It’s fine though. I like good music, I know how to make myself come, and I am funny. What more can I ask for.