Snow storms, lost tassels and hidden magic
Today was an adventure.
Because of the snow storm, the school had no choice but to move Ry’s graduation from red rocks to the crummy old Denver coliseum.
When I first learned this news, I was quite upset. devastated actually. I may have been slightly melodramatic about it. why even bother to go? I thought. For real. I thought this. That we just wouldn’t even bother with it.
Then I cried in the shower. A lot. I got mad and yelled at my kids over the slightest infractions. I took a bunch of drugs to numb my disappointment. I murdered a bunny.
And naturally (since everything is about me) I blamed myself. Yet another failure on my part. Stupid I know. I can’t control the snow! And my brain knew this. It was no one’s fault.
But my heart? The universe hates me and wants to ruin every good thing in my life. If only I had been a better person, a better mother, the snow would have come a day earlier. Or a day later.
I so wanted this experience for him (for me?) How amazing, right? not everyone gets to say they graduated at red rocks. After so many years of garbage parenting, at least he’d have this memory.
But it was such a miserable day, weather-wise. Rain would have been annoying enough, but the snow and the cold? Had they proceeded with the plan, it would have ruined the ceremony. The amazing part of red rocks is being outside, with the views, the overall atmosphere. It is magical. But all of that would have been impossible to enjoy,
The coliseum was fine. It wasn’t crummy. So once we got inside, out of the snow, and into our seats, I started feeling better. It wasn’t red rocks but at least we were all dry and warm and the kids could enjoy their moment fully.
With our seats secured, I found Ry to take pictures. he told me he had somehow lost his tassel. You know, the one that goes on the hat, that you switch over to the other side in the grand grad tradition. Ugh. He wouldn’t have red rocks and now he wouldn’t have this! My fault again for failing to bring a spare one, which we had at home.
Back at my seat, I’m telling my sister about how bummed we were about not having a tassel. A lady sitting near us hears me and offers up her own graduating daughter’s extra tassel. “Oh I don’t need it, she has hers, please take it.” Her gentle kindness overwhelmed me and I started to cry. She did, too. Mothers <3
I offered her money, but she refused. So after blubbering my deep gratitude, I rushed off to find Ry. He is quiet, doesn’t reveal much emotion, but I knew how happy it made him that he had a tassel again. It’s silly really, it doesn’t mean anything, the tassel switch, but it’s a part of it all, and I was pleased he wasn’t going to miss out on it.
Over the next few hours, I lived a lifetime in that coliseum. The ceremony was a roller coaster: sweet and touching and goofy and long; I cried and laughed, I was happy and sad, bored and heartsick, proud and nervous, so full of regrets and hope and joy.
One of my favorite parts was when they threw their hats:
I’m not much for pomp and circumstance but I was okay with it today. I am old now but I still remember. that surging feeling of release and relief, the oncoming wave, how scary and intoxicating it was.
I mean… the awe on his face here as he looks to his unknowable future:
On this day, what can I say to you? My little baby.
Of course I want what every parent wants for their child. a better life, an easier life. But it’s more than just that. make your way not towards happiness (nothing is more flimsy and fleeting). instead, try working towards something that is authentic and genuine.
That’s when you’ll find goodness and love and the strength to let your heart roam. You’ll get lost but that’s how you learn your way.
Not all shadows are bad. Find courage to explore the dark caves… secret delights await you.
be fearful and confident. because sometimes you’ll be wrong and sometimes you’ll be right and you need both to walk those rocky shores.
And when you get tired, take time to rest in the haze of the white.
humanity can be a real dick punch, and joy is in short supply, so take it when you can get it. Just be kind, gentle and soft. It’s more comfy.
Days are long, years are short. revel in the small surprises and unexpected detours. It’s those hidden pockets where you’ll find the best people.
The world is chaos, but some magic still remains. if you know where to look.
One last thing. I picked you. When I was alone and looking up to that vast ocean, it is you I saw. my quiet little star. nestled deep in the cool velvet. I picked you.
I always pick you.