christa as played by someone else

We all have a certain vision of ourselves, both inside and out. Sometimes that vision matches up quite nicely with what the outside world sees and sometimes it doesn’t. For me, it happens a lot. 9 times out of 10, when I see a picture of myself it looks nothing like how I see myself. When I hear my recorded voice played back, I sound stupid, immature and annoying, not at all like the voice I hear in my own head when I talk. And as far as my personality and behavior? Well, let’s just say that I am pretty much completely wrong about who I think I am vs who other people think I am.

Here are some of the things that were said about me this past weekend: that I’m super defensive, highly sensitive and impulsive, I have an extreme need for validation, I am childish, I am overbearing, I am competitive, I am misguided and I lead Gordon astray. These were said by different people and in different situations, but I started thinking about it. I would agree with a few of those descriptions. I am definitely sensitive and impulsive and competitive. But I never ever ever saw myself as defensive, overbearing or misguided. I can be childish at times. And as far as leading Gordon astray? Well, if keeping someone from living a life of complete worthlessness is leading him astray, then I suppose I’m guilty. The need for validation…hmm, I would probably have to agree with that and it makes me sick to my stomach that I’m so frigging weak.

When people say things about me (well, BAD things), I obsess. So for the past two days, I’ve been full of hate for myself, for being all those awful things, and more. I kept saying, “you disgust me christa. you are a terrible horrible pitiful mother, you make all the wrong choices for yourself and for ryland you’re selfish and worthless and hopeless. you can’t do anything right. you’re 31 and you live the life of shit. SHIT! just go crawl into a corner and disappear so the rest of world can finally forget you ever existed.” oh yes, I can be quite harsh and beautifully melodramatic with myself, let me tell you.

Don’t fret though, as there is hope. Cause see, in the past 12 hours or so, I began to feel a shift. I have wasted so much of my life trying to please other people and fix what everyone else says is broke. I have abused myself and hated myself for what other people think, for how other people see me, for other people’s benefit. Always for someone else. I was already feeling very anti-christa, and these recent experiences could have easily pushed me deeper down the hole. In another time, that might have happened.

But not now. I just don’t want to do that anymore, I don’t want to pick myself apart. I want to love christa. I want to give her a chance. It sounds super cheesy, I know, but it’s true.

So I decided to do some forgiving.

First, I forgave myself for a) being all those things (and worse) that people described of me and b) for letting what other people think and believe shred my self-esteem. We are all a lot of good and bad, all of us. We all have opinions. We all have reasons and histories and coping mechanisms. We all have our sacks of heavy rocks. And when you try to please everyone, you only hurt yourself. I will never ever be what other people want. I can only be christa, nothing more nothing less. It’s up to me to decide my path and the way I walk it. It’s up to me. I can live my life with strength and dignity and pride and hold my head high, even when I’m making mistakes. Or I can continue to let the bastards grind me down (thanks U2). it’s really true, what all those lame self-help books say. You can’t change other people or their behavior, you can only change how they affect you. It’s so simple and cliche and so very very true. There is enough hardships and battles in this world to overcome, hating myself is one I don’t need or want.

Second, I also need to forgive those who’ve hurt me, now and in the past. No one has it easy and the only way I can survive is to forgive. This 2nd part is going to be a little harder, but it’s equally as important. I’m going to forgive you, I promise. Just give me time.

So tonight loafe, I make a vow. I make a vow to actively seek joy and love in all its many forms and to push out the shame, be done with the whole lousy business of it. I’ll let other people stress and worry and kill their souls with their anger and resentment. Tonight, I welcome all of mother universe. I will let her embrace me whole and true, as she is me and I am her.

There was this boy I knew once in high school, someone who was just the sweetest, saddest song you’ve ever seen, and I loved him. I had my share of silly high school crushes, the “oh my god, he’s so cute I love him forever” kind. This was different. It was a high, aching love that you feel for the intangible, the untouchable, the dreamy and free, a love from the cosmos itself. Sensual and kindred, not sexual and romantic. It’s hard to distinguish the two, especially when you’re a kid, but I saw that spark in him and I knew he was different. He was beyond it all, even when he was being nothing more than a high school boy. He wrote something in my yearbook my senior year and maybe he wrote it for everyone and maybe he didn’t, but it doesn’t matter. What he said has always stayed with me because it embodied everything I believed in, and still do. It’s how I’ve tried to live my life, but I realize now I only did it half-way, I only dedicated parts of me, not all of me. I’m not going to say what he wrote because it belongs to me, but I will tell you that I am all in now. All in.

• ← my favorite pablo poem
• happy love. →