Not safe for work
When I think about becoming a lesbian, I like the idea. It seems fun and crazy and easy. I’d want to be with a sporty, kinda butchy type. not the ones who are real pretty with their hair and makeup and dresses. The ones who look a little like men. And if they had penises, even better!
I’m kidding. I understand the whole point of being a lesbian is to be with someone who doesn’t have a penis.
Sometimes I think maybe I’m a secret lesbian. It makes sense, right? A lesbian who doesn’t KNOW she’s a lesbian (but everyone else in her life knows… or at least suspects). And that’s why I suck at relationships, why they fail, why I fail. And why if I watch porn, I prefer it with women (but I do love me some gay men porn, with their pretty skin, those fit smooth bodies, their hips, the aggressiveness, those hips again).
And I’m not very “girly” never have been, at least in the typical sense of the word, always been kind of a tomboy (although I hate that word/description/label),
Oh and also I had a time in my life where I did the whole “experimenting” thing and it was great.
So maybe I’m a lesbian?
But then I keep coming back to that penis, that stupid gross fucking penis. It’s so icky. And I love it so much. I don’t love LOOKING at it, it’s not like I sit around staring at pictures of penises all day and night, they’re weird and gross looking, and when they’re all tiny and flaccid, just flopping around down there… I mean honestly how do you do it.
But I like the penis. What can I say? I just enjoy the heck out of it. I like what it does, I like how it feels, I like how it tastes, I don’t want to HAVE a penis, I just want to play with one. The balls I can take or leave (leave).
Maybe I’m a lesbian who likes dildos and strap-ons then? Except for I don’t think I am into dildos or strap-ons. I am not anti-dildos/fake penises. They just don’t appeal to me like a living breathing throbbing cock does.
are there lesbians who like penises?
Also, while I like things being done to/with/for my vagina and boobs, I don’t get as excited doing those things to/with/for OTHER vaginas and boobs. I mean it can be fun, sure, I’m game. but overall for the most part, I like MY parts being fiddled with. Now, the person doing the fiddling, well I am flexible there, in my experience girls are way better at a lot of the sex stuff. But when it comes to the old in-and-out… well I like it. I like the in and out, it’s one of my favorite parts of the whole deal, having a nice thick dick inside me, and nothing compares.
So I don’t know if I’m lesbian. I want to be! But I don’t think wanting to be is good enough. I think you have to actually be.
But if I were, I would pick someone like Abby wambach, or Rachel maddow, or tig notaro, or the girl who played fran’s girlfriend in last series of shrill, Em, I don’t know her real name, plus more than I can’t remember. Women I for sure would not want to be lesbians with: Ellen, Fran (from shrill), that girl bodyguard from John wick 2, the old grandma ladies who ride bikes and leather chaps, others I can’t think of. I could be friends with these people but they are not my type.
This is what I think about when I can’t sleep at night and took an ambien. Grind my teeth and wonder if I should be a lesbian already. It’s time maybe? Men are the worst. You’re all the worst. You’ve turned me into a monster.
but I will miss penises a lot. So much! To all the penises I’ve loved before, who traveled in and out my door.