Easy wind and downy flake
I got into bed at midnight. I was so pleased with myself. Midnight! Now it’s 3am, I’m still not asleep and I feel more exhausted from this pattern of insanity than I do from any lack of sleep. Well obviously I’m TIRED from my lack of sleep but I’m EXHAUSTED from being sleepless. Look, it makes sense at this hour.
Plus there’s a ghost moving about, I don’t know who, feels male though. Not threatening. But made sure to let me know he was with me in the bathroom right now, when I went to pee.
I really think he was trying to make me feel less lonely. Truly! And isn’t that just the sweetest. I could cry. Whether he’s a ghost I know or just some otherworldly spectre that knew I needed him…
I do love living alone. It makes me happy in ways that are hard to comprehend. Maybe it’s even unhealthy, how much I love it. And I’m not alone. I have my boys here OF COURSE, my heartbeats. And now there is ginger, the single greatest thing in the universe.
but there’s no other here. Someone to know my secrets and take refuge in my dark corners, someone I can dip into, a cool place where the heat from my body can dissipate.
So yeah, I love living alone, but maybe some pieces of me don’t think it’s so great. My dreams lately are almost embarrassing in their cotton candy innocence: I’m getting asked on a date. I’m getting kissed. I’m getting an intimate hand squeeze from a deeply loved deeply familiar soul. The kindness in these dreams, the ache I feel upon waking… well it has been hard keeping all that heaviness at bay. Loneliness? Sure sure but something else. We have all struggled in our own ways since this began a year ago, it’s taken a toll, and I am no different. there is a sorrow threatening to consume me, if I let it.
The relief and release I would feel if I surrendered? It’s very seductive. But it’s not time yet. A few more miles to go. Then I’ll sleep.