The year of penny
2021 is beginning to take some interesting turns and it’s kinda freaking me out. I don’t know that I am ready for it. But maybe? I have been making a focused effort, a conscious choice, to be open to new experiences and new paths, things I might have previously avoided or rejected.
It is hard though. All the struggles of the pandemic, on top of being a single parent, and feeling lonely much of the time, and living through a lifetime of bad choices… it’s just exhausting. And holy shit, I am so old now. So old and so tired and it’s easy as pie to just slip back into those familiar habits and same routines. They are comfortable and warm and I’m good at them. Really really good.
But I want to do better. If I can just forgive myself a tiny bit. allow the possibility that I might deserve good things. trust that I’m doing my best (even if sometimes my best is shitty).
It’s easy, though, to have these hopeful thoughts, late at night, in bed, when I should be sleeping, when the world is quiet. Much different when the sun comes and the shadows move away, when morning exposes all the lines and there is nowhere to hide.