an apple is bruised.
Well, tomorrow marks Job, Day 5. I guess it’s all going okay. I really like the job and the actual work. I’m surrounded by paper and inks all day long and I love paper and inks. I get to play around in all my favorite computer programs and print things and smell them and it’s a lot of fun. I get out of the house, I interact with other people, I feel like a more productive member of society, in the sense I get a paycheck that tells me as much.
It’s the whole missing Ryland thing that’s really got me down. Like, really really down. Instead of getting easier, it seems to be getting harder. Why does it have to be this way? I’ve only been gone four days, but it feels like an eternity. And already there’s a change in Ry. He just isn’t interested in me, he gets bored with me quickly, he is always searching for his dad. He doesn’t want me. As if my heart isn’t breaking enough.
He’s mad at me I think, in whatever way a baby can be mad. We went from him and me constantly together to him and me hardly ever together. When we get to see each other, he’s grumpy after a long day, I’m grumpy after a long day and all that’s left is feeding, bathing and bed. The only times we really have left are when he wakes up in the night. Boy, am I grateful for those times, even though it makes me crazy tired during the day.
His relative indifference to me makes me feel so rotten, I want to run away instead of see it and feel it everyday. Kind of like “well, fine, if you don’t need me, then I’ll just go…” A very immature and weak-willed reaction, yes, but I can’t deny feeling it.
ARGH. I hate this, I hate every second. I love going to work. I hate being away. It’s just impossible. I can’t win. I am so frustrated that I want to break stuff. I feel like I’m losing my son and he’s not even a year old yet. Can’t he just stay my sweet little baby for a little while longer? Please?
I have no idea how other parents do it. Any working moms care to offer advice, ways to cope, anything? Because I’m losing faith in my ability to be a good mother AND a paid worker.
I suppose there are plenty of other worthy things to discuss other than my stay-at-home/go-back-to-work crisis. I just don’t know what they are right now.
For those of you who’ve written me and I haven’t responded, hang in there. This whole adjustment period is rough on me and I just don’t have it in me to be super communicative right now.
hey christa, being a working mom is so difficult! i leave before ben wakes up and only get to spend about 3 waking hours with him a day. and during those waking hours, i’m making dinner, washing dishes, folding laundry, and walking the dogs. you have to cherish those special times, like the last feeding of the night and the weight of him on your shoulder during his burping.
the first few months are going to be tough, but you’ll get into a routine which ryland will positively respond to. he’s probably reacting to this change in routine. hang in there!! i’ll call this weekend, k?
p.s. i think the fact that you’re still breast feeding is wonderful!! i only hope i can make it for 10 months!
I think its a very tough thing for any mother. Ive worked with a lot of single, and partnered
young mothers of every race and background, and its always hard. Its hard on them and hard on their carreer as well as the baby. They are always missing work or late because of baby related issues: Babies sick, baby is sick at daycare, because the daycare center becaomes a hive for little sniffles and flu’s, daycare calls with little problesms, baby needs shots, baby has doctors appointment. Once you have shown your professionalism and your work ethic, you may wish to have a heart to heart discussion with your manager about those potential issues so that they seem less job threatening when they happen.
http://www.workingmother.com/
When February or March rolls around, and my wife’s maternity leave pay runs out, she will have to go back to work or we will have to sell our house. I hope she doesn’t have as much psychic/emotional trauma as you have. Hopefully our baby just won’t be as loveable as Ryland, and then she won’t mind abandoning him for the thrill of legal work once again.