? + ? = lazy christa

Tucson + relationship = lazy christa.

depression + frustration = lazy christa.

low self-esteem + lack of dancing = lazy christa.

no scrabble + poor sleep = lazy christa.

lack of inspiration + lack of intellectually challenging environment = lazy christa.

genes + lifestyle = lazy christa.

I could go on here, but we’re getting the idea. I’m lazy by default. It’s my NATURE. My current station in life is only making it worse. And when I get this lazy, nothing good can happen. I’m miserable and I make it a point to share that misery with everyone in my life. I’m not much fun to be around and I spend much of my time hating everyone in the universe.

The problem of course is breaking out of this laziness. I can’t just do one thing and expect the rest to fall in place. I need to take a multi-pronged approach. Attack it from all directions. But I’m so laahaaaazy. I don’t want to do anything but sit in my dark little corner and hate myself and the world. you know, wallow. in my misery. I am very good at it. And it takes so little effort on my part. But it’s bad, I know it’s bad and I don’t want Ryland to think that this is a good way to live.

I am taking a little trip next week. That’s my first step. Getting up and getting away. You know, that whole thing about seeing the forest through the trees? So yes. I need to step back. Then I can come home with a clearer head and rethink what I’m doing and decide what needs pitching, what needs keeping and what needs just a little bit of fixing. Some things will have to burn, that’s for sure. I’m hoping my little vacation will help me light the match and aim true.

I watched that movie The Incredibles last night. It was fantastic. I loved it, from the graphics/animation to the dialogue and plotlines. Very clever and silly and smart and fun.

I must say, I really hate that I’m not a superhero or that I don’t live in a cartoon world. And now, of course, I’m obsessed with working at Pixar. I bet it would be a lot of fun and a lot of work and then, at the end of all your hard work and fun, you’d end up with a movie like this. I need results like that. If I’m going to be inputting my all, I want to see a spectacular output. That happens at Pixar, they make some terrific films.

I already made the most important first step–I bought a Mac. Now I just need to learn how to draw and how to animate and then of course there’s all that math to learn and master and I’ll have to meet the right people and get more education and experience and find an entry level job and concentrate and focus and produce some amazing work so that people notice and I’ll prod and prod and work my way up and finally I’ll meet someone from pixar and they’ll love me and hire me and my dream will be complete.

Man I can’t wait to start working again!

But I’ll miss Ryland so much! ahhh!! ahhh! ahhhhhhhh!

I want to work and I want to be at home with him. I’m torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool.

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