This isn’t the moment. I don’t need to be in this moment. Make me go to sleep. There’s no one, there’s nothing, just go to bed you dumb whore.
GO TO BED
No how about instead I’ll think of this scene from la la land, its pure perfection. heartbreak isn’t even the right word for this. there is no word, it’s just… the moon turning the oceans and spinning the earth and on we go. On we go and we just go on.
So long cowboy.
In early spring I put up a hummingbird feeder. There has been exactly zero birds, humming or otherwise, interested in the feeder. Made me kind of sad. But whatever. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make birds drink your frigging red sugar beverage.
But today I saw, for the first time, hummingbirds at my feeder! Two of them. It made me very happy. Because a) it was my bday and b) hummingbirds were my mom’s favorite. So it’s like my mom was wishing me a happy bday, from the great hummingbird feeder in the sky.
Thanks mom. I miss you.
I was in a real low place the other night but I’m slightly better tonight. still angry and still sad and still confused but more stable.
This is how it goes though, right? You’re up then down. You have all the attention and then you have none. You have sexy sex times and then you have baggy clothes on the couch watching bob’s burgers times. It’s all in rotation.
Not sure where I’m currently at in the cycle. Kinda horny. Kinda lonely. Kinda bored. Kinda annoyed. Kinda tired. Kinda kind of.
I’ve grown really close to a colleague the past six months. She’s much younger than me, but we have really connected. She’s kind of like the daughter I never had and I’m the mother she always wanted. She’s helped me through some shit and I’ve helped her and she brings a new youthful perspective to my ridiculous life. We are on different journeys in very different phases of our lives but some things in a woman’s life are eternal.
The boys go to MA next week. Normally this is my favorite time of year. Freedom! Quiet! The whole apartment to myself! no one asking what’s for dinner. I’m cleaning up after me and only me. All the smells will be my own. But I’m feeling a little anxious about it. I don’t want them gone. They’re my little crew and having them around is my stable ground. Without them I’m afraid I’m going to float up and away into oblivion.
I love living in Colorado. It’s expensive as fuck but it’s gorgeous. Even pics with my old crappy phone from boring old parking lots seem majestic to me.
I swear one day I’ll sleep normal. One day. When i am dead.
(Psychos by Jenny Lewis has been the theme song of my life the past 15 months or so.)
You would think after 60 years of being a female and interested in men, I would know better. I would be smarter. I would have a firmer grip on reality. I would not get myself into these lousy situations. I would be a calm, confident bad ass bitch.
But nope. Not at all. I’m a dummy and a fool and I keep making the same mistakes over and over. I learn nothing.
I am tired. And I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to think about sex and love and relationships and connection and emotional needs. I don’t want a man. I don’t want a woman. I want to just be alone with my music and my defeat.
But I promise you this. I will forever remain #coolgirl. he won’t see this. He won’t know. This wrenching anguish. Never. No one will. I’ll keep it here, my secret, my life raft, it’s mine, for me.
Both my boys are gone tonight and normally I love this. but tonight, tonight it feels lonely and I have this ache that I don’t want.
Fuck. I need to go to sleep. I feel nauseous. My legs are itchy and twitchy. My brain is a lumpy potato. I don’t think there are any drugs left to get me to the other side. New ones need to be invented.
I ran out of Kleenex and have to use toilet paper which feels appropriate and perfect.
Tomorrow I’ll feel better.