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And then you die.

I’ve always firmly believed this. And I continue to firmly believe this.

I will believe it till I die. lol

I also believe that life gives you cookies, kicks you in the shins, and then takes the cookies back.

But look at this sunset from opening day at Christkindl

I accept this small moment of joy, amidst the sea of misery.

The therapist says that to change things, to change my mind frame, I need to make time every day to find things I am grateful for. it doesn’t have to be something fancy, it can be tiny and basic. It can be one simple thing. But I need to do it, every day, practice practice practice. Even if it feels forced or fake or silly or dumb. To just keep doing it.

IT IS VERY HARD.

But ok. I will try.

So that is my gratitude for today. The sunset from civic center park at Christkindl.

I like that chappell roan but she’s kind of a poor man’s CMAT. or an American cmat. Or a less something cmat. I don’t know.

Also why is everyone so young. All these new musicians are little babies. Why aren’t there any 50 yr olds new to the music scene and making hits, becoming major stars.

I’ve talked a lot about boys in therapy.

I’m not sure if it’s helping but maybe it is.

I don’t know.

I went camping up in the mountains for a few days, I just felt the call. Come join us sister.

I’ve never been camping by myself. It was so much better than camping with others. I want to do it more often and in more remote places.

It was stage 1 fire restriction so I was allowed to have a fire in the camp site’s permanent built in fire pit.

Why is fire so amazing.

I kissed the flame. burned my arm. Because of course I did.

I did some witchy stuff, little rituals and some journaling, a few other things I won’t talk about. Made love to the darkness and laughed at man’s sins.

My camp site was right next to the river so I had the sound of running water all day and night, sometimes that’s all a tired brain and a tired body needs.

I shiver with delight I shiver with fear.

Also, I started therapy. Sigh.

If you drink a bunch of Diet Coke after midnight and then decide to start a big project and you cover your bed with so much shit that you couldn’t go to sleep even if you wanted to, so then you say fuck it and drink MORE Diet Coke and now you’re in a never ending cycle that you’ll surely regret tomorrow but that’s Future Christa’s problem, not mine. Not mine. My problem right now is that I need more ice.

How many dog toys is too many dog toys?

Oh, if this box was all I had. What is wrong with me.