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My puppy is the cutest.

She won’t leave my lemon tree alone though.

Everyone who knows me knows my issues with dogs. They’re such a pain! with all their shedding and pooping and peeing and chewing of everything, not to mention their biting of faces. Plus you can never just leave when you want, you always gotta be worried about the damn dog.

The boys have been asking for years and I have resisted. But 2020 has turned me into a soft lump (okay lumpier). Nick is turning 11 soon. So… I did it. I caved and got him a dog for his bday. Meet Ginger:

I mean, I grew up with dogs! and I loved them deeply as a child. I think having pets, and specifically dogs, teaches children something about life. I don’t know what but something, right?

And literally every single person in colorado has a dog, I am not kidding, LITERALLY. EVERY. PERSON.

During nick’s first week of school last week, the teacher had the kids show their pets on the class google meet and nick was the only one with no pets. It made me feel really bad.

So now we are a dog household I guess? Ugh. What have I done.

But jesus has 2020 sucked. full of such horrible wretchedness at every turn. I wanted one good thing to come out of it, one loving sweet memory to remind them that there can still be light (and not stupid joe Biden light either).

So maybe this dog can be it, can be our light.

Probably not.

Whatever I don’t even care.

‘Nick do you want me or your dad to bring you to your baseball game?’

‘You, mom.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes. I love dad. I just prefer you.’

My work here is done.

My boy turns 16 today. As in years. Sixteen years old. Today. I have a sixteen year old. Me. I have a sixteen year old son.

Being a parent is such a strange thing. I am full of memories. They drown me every day. There’s just so many moments. so many remembered. so many forgotten. It’s always hard, but it’s easier when they’re younger. everything comes at you so fast, everything is new, everything is a first. you live at the speed of light. No time to think.

But then they get older. They get older and you get older. everything slows. you can finally see now. you are a bridge between what was and what will be.

it’s lonely being a parent. Lonely being the curator of all these memories. Always. Always. It’s in the pictures. the turn of a wrist. In a smile. A smell. In the light of a slow afternoon.

One day he’s driving this tiny toy car and you think it will last forever. But you blink. and now it’s the day where you get to give him his first real car. and you realize… his memories are separating from yours. They have been for awhile of course, but on this day, it feels even more pronounced.

You put the keys in his hands, hands that are now bigger than yours, how is that possible how could your sweet little baby ever be bigger than you.

Yet here we are.

It is a lonely thing we do. Saying hello and saying goodbye, in every breath, every blink, every step.