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I got a bonsai, a jade tree. It’s so cute, my little itty bitty tree.

I think I can keep this one alive. I remember in Boston I bought an old bonsai, I thought 75 yrs but maybe it was only 25-30? Ugh I can’t remember anymore. The point is that it was old, and I promptly killed it within a few months. I felt real bad about it.

But this one is only 1-3 years old. So if I kill it I won’t feel as bad?

Maybe it’ll live so long it can be passed on to one of the boys and they can pass it on to one of their kids, if they have any. I like that idea.

I also have a Lego bonsai. Got it at Christmas. So far so good!

I guess I haven’t had enough. I didn’t go on tinder.

I couldn’t come up with a good profile. I’ve lost my magic touch. I’m basically the same person as always but my ability to dress it up into something seductive and alluring has withered away. It is gone. So now everything I say is boring. And stupid. And lame. Not sexy. Not funny. Not witty.

with my degraded physical appeal, I really need a top notch profile. But I got nothing. I’ve been abandoned by the only thing I ever had, my words.

But it’s okay. It’s okay. We all know any cleverness I might have is wasted on tinder. It is a sewer there.

I’ve had enough.

I hate tinder but it’s time. I’m going back on, I don’t care anymore and you can’t stop me.

It’s gonna be so awful.

School started this week. It’s just Nick now. in 7th. No Ryland. Weird. It’s weird. And sad. I am very nearly to my death.

In other “death is near” news, Ry turns 18 tomorrow (today). Can you believe it? 18 years since my close friends saw my vagina (which they all agree was magnificent and inspiring). 18 years since my third degree episiotomy. 18 years since the nurse had to yell at Gordon to stop freaking out and get over here and support me (still waiting on that). 18 years since I was holding this little bug.

I feel a lot of things about this milestone, and also nothing.

So I’m gonna listen to my tea time asmr video and try to forget the crush of time.