I’ll show them just how far I can bend

By christa 29 November, 2007 song of the day

sometimes a certain song or two comes up on my ipod and I would be very embarrassed if anyone were to see. I am embarrassed for seeing it. Right now for example: back to good, matchbox 20. the other day it was glycerin, bush. And wherever you will go, the calling. I could go on. While these songs make rainbow babies in my heart, I’ll spare you the horror.

But I don’t need to be embarrassed with you loafe, do I? I can tell you anything. Cause we’re cool, you and me. mafia freezer cool. copacetic. so very chill.

on the safe side, here are three succulent treats for you, songs to balance out the ones from above. songs to temper my hatred with peace, weave my disgust into fame, and watch how fast they run to the flame.

car. built to spill. “I wanna see it when you get stoned on a cloudy breezy desert afternoon”

all her favorite fruit. camper van beethoven. “And we are rotting like a fruit underneath a rusting roof”

I’m on standby. grandaddy. “Out of order or sort of unaligned, powered down for redesign”

hmm. I just went to buy exile in guyville on itunes, because my copy is so scratched and tattered that it’s barely playable. They don’t sell it. weird. then I went to amazon.com. they don’t have it new, but I can buy a used copy. weird. I tried barnes and noble. they don’t sell it. they don’t even have a listing for it. what the hell is going on?

This is one of the greatest albums of all time and I can’t find it anywhere to buy new?

Now I’m starting to remember how every time I go into a record store to buy another copy, they never have it, and I think, “this place stucks, they don’t even have exile? stupid fucking record stores. I hate you.”

But apparently, it’s not just that record stores suck, but also that you can’t buy the album new anymore. I am sorry I listened to mine so much I wore it out. I am sorry. But I should be able to replace it, no? this is america in 2007, not some dark crazy gulag. god damn it. I should be able to buy anything I want whenever I want.

Don’t worry, loafe. It’s okay. relax. I ended up buying a used copy from an amazon seller. we’ll get it soon enough. everything will be okay.

I better have a nice freaking divinity tomorrow though. you hear me, divineness? I’m not fucking around with you.

I poop in the potty all the time, where’s my treat?

By christa 28 November, 2007 random

It’s been a slow and arduous process, but I think we’ve finally cracked the crease, as it were. We broke on through to the other side. The kid has finally begun to poop in the potty. He’s only done it twice so far, yesterday and today, but this is big, folks. Monumental. We’ve bribed him endlessly with promises of toys and cookies and candies, which may very well be suspect parenting, but I don’t give a fuck’s whit anymore.

I won’t go into the details of the poop situation I’ve been dealing with in regards to my three-year-old son, but let’s just say that the sooner he’s dropping those brown babies off at the pool and no longer in a diaper, the safer (and saner) we all become as a family. Because seriously, I do not know how much more I can handle, how many more shitty diapers I can change. These aren’t cute innocent little baby poops or even kind-of-tolerable toddler poops, no, these are practically grown people poops from grown up people food and it’s gross and I hate it.

But there is light, glorious cleansing light, at the end of this shit tunnel. Granted, I’m not particularly thrilled to continue helping him wipe his bum after he does his business, but at least his business is in the toilet, where it’s supposed to be. And soon, very soon, we can stop dumping inordinate amounts of cash on those evil portable waste holders.

At least until we have to start buying more diapers again, whether it’s for a 2nd baby, or for Gordon’s mother. Or both.

haha, have I told you all about my sure to come true nightmare?

It’s funny because it’s true, you see.

Here is what’s going to happen, all because of how much god, the universe, vishnu, allah, jesus, joseph and mary, the whole gamut of religious grand poobahs, hates me. hates me and my baby.

I am going to have a 2nd child, and it will be a boy. Of course it will. Why would it be anything else? So there I am, with my new baby boy, followed by my first baby boy, and rounding out the trifecta of cash and prizes, the biggest baby boy of them all, Captain G. My dream come true, all these boys surrounding me, clamoring and clingy for my lovely lady attention, non-stop, 24/7, love us mommy love us mommy love us mommy, look at our beautiful penises mommy, we love you, we especially love your num-nums, and we love all of you mommy, let us drain every single thing out of you, from milk to energy to passion to patience to essence, all because we love you so much.

While I’m drowning in sweet affliction, er I mean affection, mother-in-law is going to have an old lady stroke. A debilitating one. And she will have to live with us, and I’ll have to take care of her. So think of all the annoying things about mother-in-laws amplified by all the annoyingness of a stroke. That will be my life, three boys and a helpless m.i.l., but not so helpless she can’t still manage to be harridan extraordinaire.

also, how did anything ever get done before computers? how did people eat food? or use the bathroom? or have sex? HOW DID THEY HAVE SEX????

I don’t even want to think about it.

The Coriolis effect

By christa 27 November, 2007 random

I wish I lived the kind of life where I could say, “I have a connection with the murderer! I don’t understand it, but I see what he sees. we have to save that little girl!” and it all made perfect sense and wasn’t just some goofy line from a Lifetime movie. And also that I was running around, grabbing people by their collars, begging for them to listen to me, please just listen, I’m not crazy!

Instead, I lead the kind of life where you can frequently hear me say, “not right now, I’m tired” and the only time I run around is when I’m 3000 hours late for something and can’t find anything (which is pretty much every single second of my life). Although I do seem to find myself begging people to listen to me, telling them I’m not crazy.

hmm. maybe I’m closer than I thought. I’ll have to start pretending I have mental connections with murderers. What could it hurt? Just close my eyes and…ohmygosh, I see it, WE HAVE TO SAVE THAT LITTLE GIRL!

In other news, today is expected to be very long, boring and pointless, with no chance of hope. Forecasters say this region is suffering from a severe drought. A low-pressure system would effectively soak the area, bringing much needed relief and washing away bitterness, but the outlook is bleak, with no end in sight. Citizens find themselves shifting aimlessly from apathy to panic, clinging to a sense of desperation and a feeling of great loss as their only sustenance.

As they await the next storm, they can only wish for some sort of immediate tragedy to help alleviate tension and distract them from the dying vegetation all around them.