bored? come get drunk with me

After work today, the publisher of our little boat magazine is taking us out for drinks. Not sure why, but I am never one to turn down free drinks. Should be fun.

Then we’re in for a pretty dull Wed and Thursday. But Friday lovely Friday brings us a holiday lunch here at Boats Galore mag, which will surely include more gratis drinks, followed by Friday evening and the christamas party for my previous job, to which I’ve been invited, despite the fact that I no longer work there. This means yet more free alcohol.

I love the holidays.

As I’m sure I’ve said a thousand times, it was at just such a party back in 2003 that I got myself knocked up. Well not at the party, but after the party, later, in the bedroom, where bedroom things take place.

Ahhh, my little ry, conceived in a loving haze of pot smoke, my reproductive senses condemned to a dark corner due to the magical spell placed upon me by the alluring and wicked stoli doli. A stoli doli, by the way, is a tasty beverage where a bunch of pineapple slices (Dole) have been soaked in vodka (Stoli) for a long period of time, resulting in a drink with no purpose whatsoever but to get you quickly and dangerously inebriated.

We are not going to the same place this year, but chances are good there might be some babymaking happening later on. I’m ovulating you know!

I kid, I kid. No more babies. Unless Matt Damon is free.

Then, in one week, we head to the west coast for more holiday fun and more alcohol. Should my plane crash on the way back to Boston, I’m okay with that.


maybe I’m being unreasonable.

Let me ask for the calm wisdom and unbiased opinions of my readers.

I am the first to admit that I don’t always give my boyfriend the recognition and appreciation he deserves. But you know what? boo fucking hoo. I don’t get it either, no one ever gets it. We’re all starved for appreciation and gratitude and attention. No one recognizes all the wonderful things we do and say, our very essence in fact, that makes life so much more enjoyable, so much more livable, for our families and friends. We’re all ungrateful bastards who take everything and everyone in our lives for granted. Sometimes it’s a lot, sometimes it’s a little, but no one is innocent here.

So I ask, is it wrong of me to not celebrate every minute of every day the fact that my boyfriend takes care of our son and does much of the domestic duties? I work full-time, whereas boyfriend does not. He doesn’t have a part time job or a freelance job or a consultant job. He doesn’t collect a paycheck from anyone at any time for any amount of work. He is a stay at home dad. His contribution is entirely non-monetary (note I did not say valueless). He does the same things that stay at home moms do all the time, the moms who do it without laudation, without awards and medals, without constant affirmation. The same things I was expected to do when I was at home with Ryland.

Yet, for some reason, boyfriend’s family seems to think that I am taking him for granted, that I don’t appreciate all he does.

I suppose I should be throwing some kind of fucking party every single fucking day to commend G on the job he’s doing. What’s wrong with me?

Because apparently that is what is required when their precious little baby does the things that he should be doing. I didn’t get a party when I was home with our son every breathing moment of our lives, letting him suck my nipples raw, never getting more than 2 or 3 hours of sleep, and having to deal with their golden boy, who was working full-time, if by working you mean sitting around with a bunch of drug addicts, drinking, smoking and doing whatever drug happens to pass by and lying to me about it. Let’s not forget stealing from my family and friends and doing his best to make me feel like I was the crazy one, like I was nothing more than a paranoid freak. No party for me then.

I don’t get a party now for going to work everyday. I don’t get a party for having to deal with his mother and his family on a regular basis. I don’t get a party for living with the bullshit that is my life and keeping my murderous rage in check.

see what I mean? We’re all underappreciated.

I tell you this because when I let my boyfriend’s family know that we were going to Tucson for christamas, I was attacked (not verbally, god forbid anyone in his family say something to your face, this was all email) for being selfish and rude and unappreciative, for taking advantage of everyone and everything in the entire universe. I was told that I am lucky to have G and I don’t deserve him (which may be true, but only if you’re fucking insane) and basically I’m the worse thing to exist in the world. All because I want to see my friends and family during the holidays. Off with my head, right?

Oh, and also, I’m the cause of 9/11, the lousy state of the american economy, and even possibly the Holocaust, they’ll get back to me on that one.

Here’s something interesting, in this same email, I was made aware that boyfriend’s mother has been supporting “my ass” for longer than I’ve even know him. That’s pretty cool on my part.

Did you also know that I am an awful mother because I go to the gym 2 days a week after work (3 if I’m lucky)? I am so inconsiderate. I don’t care about my son nor do I want to see him. Boyfriend’s mother NEVER went to the gym when she was raising her children. How can I stand to look in the mirror?

christ. now I’m going to have to start going to the gym 4 days during the work week. goddamn it. Look what these people drive me to do–exercise more than I care to be bothered.

I know I’m being defensive, but the only thing more annoying than your family telling you how to live your life is your significant other’s family telling you how to live your life. I’m ready to leave significant other in the dust, just to be rid of his ridiculous family. In all fairness to him, though, he had nothing to do with this. His family is full of a bunch of lonely, desperate bitches. He found their behavior unjustified and unacceptable. So I won’t punish him for his family. Well, not extensively. Just a little.

Those people don’t know me and the lengths I will go to exact my revenge. I have zero qualms about never letting them see Ryland again. He’s only half-related to them anyway, thank god for small miracles. I wasn’t particularly thrilled in being a part of their family, but now I don’t have to pretend to like them anymore. I’ve been released from fake niceness and that’s never a bad thing.

I liked my response to them though. I wrote back and said, “Thank you all for your thoughts and opinions. Have a great holiday!” I wanted to tear into them, tell each one exactly what I think of them, but I decided they weren’t worth the effort. I’ll write about them on my web site instead!


bigger and better TD

what the heck. I made loafe my thursday divinity? Please. get out of here. I have the best thursday divinity a girl can ask for.

I will be enjoying a frosty lime eegee in approx. two weeks. You heard me. Not Cherry Pucker, the flavor of the month (for real? cherry pucker? ewww), but frosty freaking lime.

First of all, if you’ve never had an eegees, I feel sorry for you.

For the uncool, the luckless bastards you are, I will tell you a little bit about eegees. It’s a Tucson-only sandwich place with great food, their eegee grinder is to die for, but the best thing they offer is their slushies. These things are of another world, a perfection unattained in any other earthly endeavor. Ideal relief from the blasting baking vagina-drying summers of the Sonoran desert, but just as tasty in the sort of, kind of, little bit coldish Sonoran desert winter (okay a more apt description of winter in Tucson would be a season not so goddamned fucking hot).

They have three constant slush flavors: strawberry (okay), pina colada (my go-to flavor), and lemon (good). And every month they bring in a new flavor. Hence the flavor of the month description.

Well, a few months ago, when I said I was coming home for christmas, tiffany checked out eegees.com to see what the flavor of the month would be…Frosty Lime! I remember looking that up as well, probably back in August when I knew I wanted to make the trip in December.

but then, not too long ago, the powers that be changed the lineup—frosty lime was dropped and in came cherry fucking pucker. why god why? Innocent pure frosty lime replaced by that slutty whore cherry pucker. so unfair.

But in her love for me, and my love of Frosty Lime, tiffany did me a solid. She wrote the eegees bigwigs an email and requested the return of Frosty Lime. Here is the email she wrote to them:

From: tiffany
Sent: Tuesday, October 02, 2007 10:51 AM
To: Captain Eegees
Subject: Please, please, please!!!!!!!!

Ok, so I know this is probably a long shot…but, I gotta try.

I LOVE eegee’s. LOVE LOVE LOVE eegee’s. I have a friend who grew up here in Tucson and she raves and raves and raves about you all the time. Sadly, she moved to Boston a few years ago and only gets to have eegee’s when she comes home for holidays. A few weeks ago I happened to notice the flavor of the month for December was supposed to be Frosty Lime. At least, I swear I saw that…but now it says Cherry Pucker. My friend is coming home for Christmas and it would be the best Christmas present ever if you could make Frosty Lime the flavor of the month for December.

I would super heart Eegee’s FOREVER! And you know my darling friend would, too!

So, please Captain Eegee’s, make it happen!

Yours,
Tiffany

Now that’s a great letter. A very sweet gesture on her part. Of course, we never heard back. They never changed the flavor of the month. Sigh. I was left to think captain eegees was just a big fat phony who didn’t want to save anyone or anything, all he wanted to do was create misery and sadness and poverty and acne and dry skin. what kind of superhero is that?

but then…then…today, tiffany gets the following email:

From: Captain Eegees
Date: Dec 6, 2007 11:46 AM
Subject: RE: Please, please, please!!!!!!!!
To: tiffany

Tiffany,

We will be making a special batch of Frosty Lime on Dec. 14. We ask that you purchase at least one fun pak. If you are interested in getting one, please call me at 294-3333 by Dec. 10 to place your order.

Thank you,
Captain Eegees
Defender of Good and Light (and delicious tasty frosty lime beverage treats)

can you fucking believe it???? It worked! Not only was it so awesome of Tiffany to write that letter, it actually worked. They are making a special batch of frosty lime for yours truly.

Now I don’t know if this makes Eegees divine, or me, or frosty lime, but I do know that it makes tiffany divine. She was kind of a pain in my ass before, but now I almost like her.

I am sorry for doubting you Captain Eegees. I owe you big, T to the J.

lemon-lime eegees, here I come!