so here’s what I love most about christmas. no matter how good or bad or special or annoying or stupid or superficial or great or ordinary, you always know that you have next year, that there will be another christmas to come along, there is always another chance to be full of hate, full of love, full of merry shite. and it will be the same. you can expect christamas next year to offer what it did this year. the same music, the same cheer, the same colors, the same marketing, the same smells and tastes, the same everything. the holiday itself won’t change, but your circumstances could be hugely different, and I love that. you may not hit it out of the park this year, but you know that you’re gonna get the same pitch next year, and who knows what could happen. maybe it will be another spectacular strike out, maybe just a base hit, a grand slam, but that ball is coming down the line and it ain’t gonna move an inch.
I love it when things stay the same but allow change in such big, broad, dramatic strokes.
and you gotta love 12:00 am on 26th of december. it’s the longest possible time until the next christmas (hey, like that joke on the simpsons, the church one, and everyone is so happy when they come home, and marge says “why are you all so happy?” and lisa says “because this is the longest possible time till we have to go back to church.” these aren’t the exact quotes, but it’s still funny).
also, the nice thing about being away at christmas is what little effort I will exert to undo christmas. Back in Boston, knowing we’d be here, I didn’t put up any decorations, I didn’t get a tree, I didn’t bring out my christmas wrap, didn’t unpack my CDs, nothing at all. Which means when I get back in a few days, I’m not going to have to do a single freaking thing. No trees to get rid of, no ornaments to pack up, no needles to vacuum, nothing to throw away. It’s awesome. and by awesome I mean really fucking awesome.
Sure, you may be saying, that’s great and all, but you still have to pack your suitcases and go to the airport and fly thousands of miles and then drive home and unpack and try to insert yourself back into the reality of new england winters, work, and g’s family, and I say fuck off to you. At least I won’t have to deal putting decorations away.
I am pleased as punch to be in tucson, seeing my friends and family, eating eegees, drinking in all this wide open sky, swimming in the darkness and the stars, being awed by the mountains, loving even the parts I’m hating. And showing off Ryland, who is such a sweetheart. I am practically bursting with pride. I think maybe it’s harder for me to see in Boston, but bringing him back here, having him around my family…it’s very affirming. With him, I can say, without having to say it, “I did good here with this kid. I did something right.” And they know it. They can question my choices and my life till the sun burns out, but they can’t deny my kid’s goodness and my hand in it.
But I didn’t feel a whole lot of cheer or holiday spirit this year. Not that it was a bad christmas or that I was in a rotten mood, I just wasn’t ever feeling it, you know?
I did enjoy a lovely winter solstice, it was warm and comforting and just very nice. I had no great epiphanies or life-altering spiritual awakenings, but that’s okay.
There is more merriment to be had in the next few days, and then my trip will come to an end and we’ll head back to the east coast. I’m not thinking about that right now though. mostly I am thinking about going to bed. and headphones I want but can’t afford. Morgan tried to convince me tonight that buying $500 headphones to listen to mp3s is like buying an HDTV to watch shows using mere rabbit ears. I get what he’s saying, but he will never convince me with his logic and sensible points. It will not work! you hear me morgan? this aggression will not stand.
really I’m going to bed now. I miss watching hockey. and don’t read any books by patricia cornwell. I beg you.