I poop in the potty all the time, where’s my treat?

It’s been a slow and arduous process, but I think we’ve finally cracked the crease, as it were. We broke on through to the other side. The kid has finally begun to poop in the potty. He’s only done it twice so far, yesterday and today, but this is big, folks. Monumental. We’ve bribed him endlessly with promises of toys and cookies and candies, which may very well be suspect parenting, but I don’t give a fuck’s whit anymore.

I won’t go into the details of the poop situation I’ve been dealing with in regards to my three-year-old son, but let’s just say that the sooner he’s dropping those brown babies off at the pool and no longer in a diaper, the safer (and saner) we all become as a family. Because seriously, I do not know how much more I can handle, how many more shitty diapers I can change. These aren’t cute innocent little baby poops or even kind-of-tolerable toddler poops, no, these are practically grown people poops from grown up people food and it’s gross and I hate it.

But there is light, glorious cleansing light, at the end of this shit tunnel. Granted, I’m not particularly thrilled to continue helping him wipe his bum after he does his business, but at least his business is in the toilet, where it’s supposed to be. And soon, very soon, we can stop dumping inordinate amounts of cash on those evil portable waste holders.

At least until we have to start buying more diapers again, whether it’s for a 2nd baby, or for Gordon’s mother. Or both.

haha, have I told you all about my sure to come true nightmare?

It’s funny because it’s true, you see.

Here is what’s going to happen, all because of how much god, the universe, vishnu, allah, jesus, joseph and mary, the whole gamut of religious grand poobahs, hates me. hates me and my baby.

I am going to have a 2nd child, and it will be a boy. Of course it will. Why would it be anything else? So there I am, with my new baby boy, followed by my first baby boy, and rounding out the trifecta of cash and prizes, the biggest baby boy of them all, Captain G. My dream come true, all these boys surrounding me, clamoring and clingy for my lovely lady attention, non-stop, 24/7, love us mommy love us mommy love us mommy, look at our beautiful penises mommy, we love you, we especially love your num-nums, and we love all of you mommy, let us drain every single thing out of you, from milk to energy to passion to patience to essence, all because we love you so much.

While I’m drowning in sweet affliction, er I mean affection, mother-in-law is going to have an old lady stroke. A debilitating one. And she will have to live with us, and I’ll have to take care of her. So think of all the annoying things about mother-in-laws amplified by all the annoyingness of a stroke. That will be my life, three boys and a helpless m.i.l., but not so helpless she can’t still manage to be harridan extraordinaire.

also, how did anything ever get done before computers? how did people eat food? or use the bathroom? or have sex? HOW DID THEY HAVE SEX????

I don’t even want to think about it.

8 thoughts on “I poop in the potty all the time, where’s my treat?

  1. pa michelle

    Congrats on the poop! Gabby did a poop and a pee on the potty last night. She usually tells us after she’s already pooped. Last night she told us before and we managed to get her on the potty in time!!! We gave her 2 lolly pops after. Who cares that it was 9 at night. I was so happy it didn’t even matter.

  2. Marianne

    I would not go back to the poop days for any amount of money. Of course, Chris and I were just talking tonight about how we never seem to know that the children are out of toilet paper in their bathroom until one of us has to use it or is in there for some other reason. Which is to say they never actually TELL anyone they are out of toilet paper which begs the question of HOW GODDAMN LONG they have been neglecting to wipe their asses. And they are five and nine people. It never ends. It truly does not.

  3. christa Post author

    marianne you have just made me more depressed than I could ever possibly imagine.

    PA MICHELLE…I would give Ryland crack cocaine every night if it meant him using the toilet.

  4. christa Post author

    but that makes me laugh really hard M. hahahaha. laugh and cry and say again “where is my treat for using the potty and for using toilet paper/wet wipes to clean my own ahole.”

  5. christa Post author

    that is quite an accomplishment, morgan. I will give you candy sandwich on 19th of dec, 2007.

  6. Tiffany

    Wait a second… where the F is my candy sandwich?? I have to hear about all this super potty time. That’s worth a freakin’ candy hoagie foot lunch sub of some kind, right? RIGHT?????

  7. christa Post author

    you can have the biggest candy hoagie foot lunch sub that we make. on dec 19th. and morgan can have a bite of yours.

    okay? okay.

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