stealing strollers

I had a dream that I stole a green $800 stroller from some lady at a cafe, one of those bugaboo strollers. I just sort of sauntered up to it and carefully, quietly, gently walked away with it. After I stole it, I was rolling it around outside in a big parking lot, trying it out, seeing what the big fuss was about, and I accidentally knocked a bunch of little ceramic tiles off a street vendor’s table. The lady looked them over and said “oh you’re going to have to buy these now, they’re broke!” and I said okay, annoyed with myself. As we walked to the register, I looked through the rest of the box and said “but you have a bunch of broken pieces already! and you’re going to make me pay for these?” and she looked in and said “yeah I guess you’re right, never mind.”

It was a fairly boring dream, but it seems like there were symbols or messages or some statement of grand importance on those tiles, and now I can’t remember them. I want to know what they were, maybe it was a spirit telling me secrets about where to find buried treasures or something.

this dream reminds me of an exchange I had in Target recently. I bought a handful of items and my total came to $13.01. I looked in my pockets for change, but didn’t have any, so I just gave the bills to the cashier, resigned to carrying around $.99 worth of change. Then I looked down and saw a penny on the ground. yahoo!

“Wait!” I say. “Here’s a penny!” and I picked it up to hand to her. She stared at me, the bills in her hand, like I’ve just offered her the heads of three gorillas on a tray. Then she says, “I can’t take that.” And I looked at her, thinking I didn’t hear her right. “What?” I ask. She repeats, “I can’t take that penny.” And I thought for a second maybe she didn’t want to take it because she was one of those dumb cashiers who can’t make correct change in their heads and that whole extra penny, after I’d already given her my cash, just completely threw her off. I was prepared to explain a bit of math and change-making to her, but then I realized she hadn’t even punched the amount into the register yet, she’s standing there with the bills in her hand, looking at me.

So naturally I assumed she was speaking Mandarin and I said again, a little more clearly, “Here, here’s a penny, here…” and held it out to her. She said again “I can’t take that.” And I started getting annoyed, because it’s a fucking penny, not an atom bomb. I said “What? You can’t take this penny? Why not?” and not very nicely either.

She just shook her head, repeating, “I can’t take that.” Clearly I walked into the Crazy Nutjob Target and didn’t realize it. Instead of stabbing her repeatedly with my keys, I calmly said to her, “You’re not going to take it? What? I don’t understand. It’s a penny, you don’t take pennies anymore? What’s the problem here? Take the penny.”

She shakes her head, says, “No, I can’t take that penny. Not From You.”

HUH? Not from me? What the fuck is wrong with this woman? Did she see this penny fall out of someone’s asshole or something?

She’s looking at me like I’m trying to pull a fast one over her and I’m looking at her like the moron she is, wondering what the big deal was over this penny and what the hell is wrong with people and how on earth do people like this gets jobs in customer service anyway? The storm was gathering. I was two breaths away from tearing into this woman and releasing a litany of names when G managed to find another penny on the ground. He said, “Hold on, here I just found a penny, here!” and handed it to the woman. And she took it! She took the penny! She didn’t look happy about it, but she took it and gave me back my change. I gave her some more dirty looks before gathering my bag and leaving.

I have no idea what happened or what was wrong with that penny or that woman, but the end result is that we managed to get out of there alive. For that, I’m thankful.

10 thoughts on “stealing strollers

  1. Jonathan

    That’s insane… so insane I can only imagine either she didn’t hear you, or maybe you didn’t here her, or something. There’s no way she considered you, considered the penny, and then rejected that option without reason, only to accept a floorpenny from G. Bizarre.

  2. Simon

    you should go into that store every day next week, find that same cashier, and repeat the floorpenny exercise over and over until she cracks and accepts it.

    as i’ve always said, “why let someone act freaky to you, when you can act way freakier to them”.

    ok, that’s actually the first time i’ve ever said it, but i’m gonna make up for lost time from now on…

    how’s the big usa everyone? nz’s pretty damned sweet at the moment…

  3. Jonathan

    Man, I can’t believe I typed “here” instead of “hear” above. Now I look retarded, like a giant retard who can’t spell hear correctly.

  4. DG

    Dont worry about it Jonathan you got excited, after all it was a truly facinating post.
    Better even than the “Bleeding Vags”.
    Ive seen your spelling and “moastly” its pretty good!!!
    Christa… that woman was probably truly insane, and totally rude. This is an issue for Target corporate. Do you have the receipt? It will have the time date, transaction number and a name and/or code for the clerk. Type up a non-inflammatory description of the event and email it to the customer service email for Target. It should be good for a $10.00 gift card and an apology.

  5. Simon

    only $10.00?

    what kind of unpatriotic american are you?

    work out your emerson fees and times that by 10x and we’ve got ourselves an opening bid.

  6. DG

    I am with you on that sentiment, but Target is the jerks, not me. They damaged Christa’s feelings.

  7. Simon

    no-one’s calling anyone a jerk here i promise.

    but anyway, lets call in the media…

    “young mother has Target in her sights”.

    “young mother targets Target”.

    “floorpenny floors penny” (um, you might have to change your name for this one to work)

  8. gina

    what a bee-yatch! must have had some kind of weird “pennies on the floor are dirty and will give me the avian flu” phobia or something. complain! even if you just do it on the website, you’ll get a free pretzel or something :) i would take a dirty penny from you any day! even if i saw it fall out of someone’s asshole (that was brilliant btw).

  9. neely

    way too funny. (i think i peed my pants a little)

    i so wish you told me this story live. i wish you’d just call me…but whatever.

    i can so see your expressions and the dictation in your voice and the excitedness (word?)

    too fucking funny….

    holy shit…that’s just great.

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