I love my kids so much
Day 1 of work-from-home and school-from-home. It went super great! I love my kids so much! I repeat it over and over again. Quietly. Sometimes loudly. I love them. I love them so much. I love them and I love them some more, there’s so much love coming out of me that maybe we might drown in it, which is fine totally fine to drown in love a beautiful peaceful choking love that fills our mouths and lungs and silences us all thank fucking christ.
For real though, things are stressful. For me. the kids seem relatively unfazed by all of this. Is that good? bad? I’m surely doing everything wrong. But maybe I’ve done something right? No? Yes? I don’t even know. What is happening right now is absolutely surreally gonzo. I am one big farting factory of churning anxiety. Meanwhile these boys of mine continue on, inventing great games like nut ball (one guess what nut ball could mean to two adolescent brothers).
I am glad though, that they can roll with the punches. That they’re capable of just accepting and dealing with whatever fresh new hell I’ve introduced into their lives. Here’s how I’m looking at it: Yes sure my shitty roller coaster parenting has broken them in irreparable ways. yes yes, I’m a terrible mom, blah blah, same story different day. But hey! Hey! Here is something. These ruined children know how to go with the flow. How to live with uncertainty. How to find their balance on a shifting unstable ground beneath them.
I know that my choices and decisions have often resulted in creating that instability, which isn’t so great. But I have also done something else. Given them someone to trust and rely on, a safe, soft place to land. I’ve shown them that no matter what, no matter how, when we fall, I’m there. Always. I may be the earthquake. but I am also the table they can crawl under. I am the first responders. The clean up crew. The rebuilding committee.
One might say I should work on not being the earthquake. One might also say you should stop being such a judgmental asshole and see that some of us are just tectonic plates and we can’t help it, it’s in our nature to shift. we are tectonic plates and it’s our job god damn it.
Really though. I should stop with the constant reading of the news. But I won’t! I can’t! I don’t know how to stop so I won’t even bother to try. I am even looking at social media again. Why? because I hate myself. and I am stupid. and I need to feel the onslaught of fourteen different emotions at once to fuel my anxiety furnace and keep it burning hot and sweet.
Just go to bed already Christa what is wrong with you