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11:36pm
I
am so stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. I let myself get all emotional
and attached to the very things that I never should. Fuck. Why do
I have to do the same stupid emotional crap over and over again?
I don't learn. Fuck me. I deserve all I put myself through.
I
fear so much. oh well. it doesn't matter. Time to pull back.
I
leave soon for Tucson. Well, sort of. I have to go to my friend's
graduation. And then Tucson. I am getting really excited. Everything
will be calm in Arizona. I miss my dad so much that I can't even
talk to him sometimes because I get so sad. My mom, too, but for
some reason, just hearing my dad...I don't know. It gets to me.
My mom never liked me (or loved me) like my dad.
I
don't like Sigmund Freud much, but this quote seemed appropriate.
also, I hate the way people misuse the phrase "freudian slip".
I
also hate it when people try to invalidate my feelings. Don't fucking
do that.
It's
funny. The next day, after a night of drinking, I always find cuts
and bruises and sores everywhere. It's because I think I am superwoman
or something and that I am immune to gravity and completely unable
to hurt myself, putting my body in places and positions it was never
meant to do. Nice.
I
like tough boys. tough, hardworking boys. they are very appealing.
not just sexually, although that is a big plus.
I
just destroy until there is nothing left.
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