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3:53 AM EST
I
am the worst daughter ever. my mom's birthday on tuesday and I remembered
all the way up until the actual day, when I forgot to call or anything.
and of course I didn't send the card yet or buy a present yet, cause
I am the worst daughter ever, hugely lazy and hugely poor. b-day
wishes are also b-day apologies.
so
today's loafe is dedicated to my beautiful mom. happy birthday mom!
christa loves you lots and lots and lots! and one day when she's
all grown up and all put together she will make you proud. so don't
give up on her just yet! happy birthday you crazy monkey mom.
I
haven't been sleeping well lately. and it seems to be getting worse.
someone
told me I was oversexed. this greatly disturbs me. I just can't
seem to win. I'm too much of this not enough of that, loud quiet
honest a liar full of regret never look back up down nowhere everywhere.
I'd like to sit this one out, or just for a little while, if I could.
i
had the entire house to myself tonight. It felt so natural. being
alone. I'm not saying it felt good, or even bad, it just felt right.
I want to live alone in a big old house, me and my cats, braving
it together. I'd like that, I think.
you're bound to run into him again and when you do, you're shaking
and you want to throw up and you can barely breathe and all the
hurt you felt but were trying so hard to keep away is suddenly all
there in your throat and your eyes and your mouth and your heart
and you have so many things you want to say but instead you say
nothing. and you say nothing because that's what he wants and you
have no choice and besides you don't want to know the truth. no.
you don't. and you hate yourself, you can't stop hating yourself
because you have to look in that mirror and know that once more,
yet again, big surprise: you just aren't good enough. that's what
it always comes down to.
christa,
do shut up. please.
oh
oh oh! jennifer (my sister for the less-smart readers) is having
her baby on Sept 29th. it's a breech baby, so they are gonna do
a c-section and the bambino is gonna be brought out the 29th. this
is so exciting! I just wish I could be there. well not THERE, cause
you know, that's gross, I don't wanna see any of THAT, but I wanna
see the baby after she's all clean and pretty and smells good like
babies do. but I have to wait till christmas. I say she, but we
don't really know yet for sure. we all think it will be a girl and
jenn dreamed it would be a girl, so you know, that's what we think.
my mom had all girls, my oldest sister all boys and so we're thinking
time for a girl again. julie marie will be her name. cause it sounds
okay in both french and english. the baby's dad is french. french-canadian.
I know, gag. but what can you do? sis jenn isn't as culturally aware
of the french/french-canadian ability to be fucking irritating as
all hell.
time
keeps on marching. I keep on not sleeping. someone help me please.
man.
tomorrow is my therapy app't. I don't wanna go. my old therapist
meg who I just love even more now that she isn't around, she was
great. this new girl, she's nice and all I guess, but she always
says "so, how does that make you feeeeeeeel?" or "what
does that mean to you, what do you think that means?" how the
fuck am I supposed to know? she just sits there and stares at me
and she has this weird smile on her lips and doesn't say anything,
she just looks and looks and I sit there fidgeting and finally I
just start babbling on about something cause she's making me so
freaking nervous just smiling at me with that weird therapist "you're
such a fucking nut job" smile and I have no idea what i'm even
saying, I'm not even talking about real stuff, I'm making it up,
my mouth is moving and she's nodding and STILL SMILING why are you
smiling like that jesus christ yes I fucked him no i didn't fuck
him yes i'm a trashy whore yes i'm looking to be rescued yes i gave
him a blow job you bet i swallowed i have serious issues i'm insane
and what does it mean it means that I need just one goddamned good
orgasm.
this
is why I stopped therapy last time. I was making progress with meg
I think. she had me half-believing I was the person she thought
I was. almost duped. thankfully, Smiling Therapist came along and
saved the day. now I can go back to the christa that I know and
love to hate.
it
is true though, I am looking to be rescued. I don't think irish
boys are the saving kind. they are the kind to keep pushing you
and knocking you back down, cause all they want is just a little
fun and hey, since you're already down there, how about a blowjob?
will
you pretend? will you pretend that I'm beautiful and sweet and good,
stroke my hair with a little bit of softness, my face with just
the slightest touch of kindness? yes? you will? then of course I'll
suck you off. a girl like me--she has to take that little bit wherever
and however she can get it.
I
should be honest. I haven't had sex or sexual activity with an irish
lad (or any man for that matter) in several weeks. i'm still a whore
though! I swear it!
my
boss bought me a DVD player today. we mail-ordered it. I should
get it next week. I'm excited. I wanted a DVD player. I was online
getting him a new answering machine for his house (cause his broke)
and I told him the price and he said "are you buying it at
an electronics store or something?" and I said "yeah"
and he said "do they have DVD players?" and I said "they
sure do" and he said "why don't you get one of those too,
while you're at it" and I said "okay, but why? you already
have one" and he said "well, it isn't for me" and
I said "well okay. what kind, how much?" and then he said
"an entry level priced model, a decent brand, nothing crazy,
but you know, whatever you find a good price on" and I said
"alright" and I still didn't know he was getting it for
me and then I found it and i showed it to him and I said "here
is the price and here is the features" and he skimmed them
over and he said "that's a good player and that's a good price,
get that one" and I ordered it and then right before it's time
to go, he says "that's for you" and I say "why?"
and he said "cause I like you and you work hard and you deserve
more than you make" and that was that. so next week I have
DVD player. this is how many DVD's I own: 0 (that's a zero).
not
too long ago, a friend was talking to me about when he proposed
to his girlfriend and my heart sort of swelled. It must feel good
to be proposed to. he's divorced now, but still--that first moment
when he's asking you, I bet that feels terrific, cause you're not
thinking about what might eventually happen, you're just looking
at this guy who loves you and wants to be with you.
oh
jeez, I really gotta try and get some sleep.
why
you put up with me, loafe, I have no idea. but I kiss you.
p.s.
i am not proofreading this cause I am actually tired now I think.
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