6:53 PM EST
apologies
for the confusion?
I
never learn. I keep doing the same stupid things over and over again,
maybe under a different disguise but it's essentially the same thing.
right
now I'm feeling this crazy mix of anger and sadness. It's killing
me.
apologies
for the confusion.
is
that supposed to help me understand? is that supposed to be enough?
Because I'm sitting here, lost and confused and sad and hurt and
your "apologies" only made it worse. was that your intention?
whatever
I did must have been truly truly horrible. I don't even qualify
for a hollow excuse or a weak explanation or cruel insults. Apologies
for the confusion.
I
would have liked to hear something like "I can't do this Christa.
you're not the person I thought you were. What I have is not worth
losing, especially because of you. You are not worth it. get that?
you are so not worth it. You aren't even worth my friendship. so
go cry your pity party on some other poor sap. take your pathetic
existence and leave me the fuck alone." That would have been
better. It would have been hard, sure, but you know, at least that's
something I can really get into. that makes sense. That I can understand.
I
used to think that the people I most loved were the only ones capable
of causing me such hurt. But I was wrong. Sometimes, it's the ones
you hardly know that are able to bring the sharpest pain, deliver
the most devastating blow.
and
your apologies for the confusion didn't alleviate the confusion,
it only served to intensify it. which was maybe the point.
the
worst part is I can't even hate him. I've tried. I close my eyes
and I try to bring it out, hate and loathing and disgust, pure anger,
I want that, but all I find is sorrow and disappointment and longing.
he
gave me a book and I started reading it and it's such a good book
but now I can't finish it because it's this piece of him and there
it is in my hands and it's rejection being shoved into me again
again again, with every word I read.
but
there is good news. The one person that used to mean the entire
world to me, the one person I loved to death and never stopped loving--well,
she is sort of back in my life again. she wasn't for quite a while.
But maybe now she will be once more. if I don't fuck it all up again.
Which I wouldn't be surprised if I did, because I'm always fucking
things up. It's sort of my MO.
"so
hey, where's christa?"
"oh,
I dunno. off fucking things up most likely."
people
come and go and talk of michaelangelo. People come and go.
no
celeste in october. did I already mention this? no celeste in October
anthony
goes back to ireland tomorrow.
I
am the biggest loser on the planet.
And
now I am going to go out and get drunk and do fifty-seven different
kinds of drugs and have sex with any man who doesn't run from me
in disgust.
dude,
I am totally kidding. I am going out, that's true, and the possibility
of me being drunk is a fair one, but that's all.

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