Sept 15
nothing is ever simple.

I miss my beautiful friend. -jeff buckley

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news update:

no school for me. i tried but it isn't gonna happen. it's because jesus hates me.


 

6:53 PM EST

apologies for the confusion?

I never learn. I keep doing the same stupid things over and over again, maybe under a different disguise but it's essentially the same thing.

right now I'm feeling this crazy mix of anger and sadness. It's killing me.

apologies for the confusion.

is that supposed to help me understand? is that supposed to be enough? Because I'm sitting here, lost and confused and sad and hurt and your "apologies" only made it worse. was that your intention?

whatever I did must have been truly truly horrible. I don't even qualify for a hollow excuse or a weak explanation or cruel insults. Apologies for the confusion.

I would have liked to hear something like "I can't do this Christa. you're not the person I thought you were. What I have is not worth losing, especially because of you. You are not worth it. get that? you are so not worth it. You aren't even worth my friendship. so go cry your pity party on some other poor sap. take your pathetic existence and leave me the fuck alone." That would have been better. It would have been hard, sure, but you know, at least that's something I can really get into. that makes sense. That I can understand.

I used to think that the people I most loved were the only ones capable of causing me such hurt. But I was wrong. Sometimes, it's the ones you hardly know that are able to bring the sharpest pain, deliver the most devastating blow.

and your apologies for the confusion didn't alleviate the confusion, it only served to intensify it. which was maybe the point.

the worst part is I can't even hate him. I've tried. I close my eyes and I try to bring it out, hate and loathing and disgust, pure anger, I want that, but all I find is sorrow and disappointment and longing.

he gave me a book and I started reading it and it's such a good book but now I can't finish it because it's this piece of him and there it is in my hands and it's rejection being shoved into me again again again, with every word I read.

but there is good news. The one person that used to mean the entire world to me, the one person I loved to death and never stopped loving--well, she is sort of back in my life again. she wasn't for quite a while. But maybe now she will be once more. if I don't fuck it all up again. Which I wouldn't be surprised if I did, because I'm always fucking things up. It's sort of my MO.

"so hey, where's christa?"

"oh, I dunno. off fucking things up most likely."

people come and go and talk of michaelangelo. People come and go.

no celeste in october. did I already mention this? no celeste in October

anthony goes back to ireland tomorrow.

I am the biggest loser on the planet.

And now I am going to go out and get drunk and do fifty-seven different kinds of drugs and have sex with any man who doesn't run from me in disgust.

dude, I am totally kidding. I am going out, that's true, and the possibility of me being drunk is a fair one, but that's all.

 

use this box for lists. christa's cafe is lists! sweet magical tasty lists!

For every list, there is an anti-list. I actually don't know what that means.
But who really cares? not me!

people who have hurt me the most:
-my uncle
-Jeff
-morgan
-marianne
-my parents
-eddie
-paul
-dave
-christa

note that I love every one of these people, regardless of what has or hasn't happened and whether they are still in my life or not. also it is really fucked up and disturbing that most everyone on this list is a man. I am so goddamned pathetic. could a few more women please hurt me? to balance things out? come on...I know you want to.

now I am thinking that I should have used code names or something, but oh well. i've always been brutally honest on loafe, no reason to stop now.

 

email christa@loafe.com