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10:32pm
EST
a very good therapy session today. I have something now to help
ease whatever it is that makes me so anxious.
She
asked me what were the things I never got as a child that I wanted
or what I imagined I would do when I was older, something that I
just thought about all the time, what sort of games did I play,
what made me happiest as a child. I couldn't really remember much,
but that makes what I did remember the more meaningful, I think.
I
remember sitting in my bed at night, not able to sleep, thinking
about all the dogs and kitties out there who didn't have homes,
who were on the streets and were hungry and scared. And I would
lay there and I would promise myself that when I got older, I'd
buy huge warehouses and let all the lost animals come and live there
and they'd always be safe and warm and have food and none of them
would have to ever be sad again. When I was super duper young it
was stuffed animals that I imagined housing in these warehouses.
For some reason I was convinced that there were hundred and thousands
and millions of lonely little stuffed animals that needed someone
to hug them and talk to them. As I got a little older it became
real animals. I was a weird kid.
She
said that I need to return to that, to take advantage of my love
of animals, my need to help and care and love, to use it to help
fill in this emptiness. She suggested I volunteer at local animal
shelters and veterinarian offices. She had a really good idea that
just sounds like the best thing ever. I can't stop thinking about
it. She lives in Maine and a lot of her neighbors have small farms,
with chickens, goats, a few cows, some horses, nothing major. And
these people often want to go away for a weekend, but they can't
because they have no one to take care of their farm, their animals.
She said that I could just hire myself to these people, that I could
take care of their animals, feed the chicken and the goats, take
care of the cows, the dogs, everything. How utterly and completely
perfect. I keep closing my eyes and picturing this, walking out
and feeding the chickens, talking to the horses, having a dog or
two follow me around while I make sure everyone is doing okay. I
want to do this. I really really want to do this. Just the idea
of it...it's given me something to play around with in my head that
isn't boy related. I love my therapist. I only have two weeks left
with her. I am sad sad sad. she's setting me up in a long-term program
to continue therapy, to start some focused work on my "self-esteem
issues". It won't be with her but I am not running in fear
and I'm gonna give it a try, so that's a good thing, I guess.
blah
blah blah.
There
was this game I used to play by myself all the time when I was a
kid, this sort of elaborate spy/danger/escape thing. I'd walk around
my street, pretending I was someone else, someone important, someone
that bad people were after. So I had to keep hiding, had to get
away, I had to be clever and sneaky and not let them find me, I
had to run away. I'd just walk along my streets and then the desert
surrounding our house, looking, watching. It sounds so incredibly
stupid and boring now, but I did it all the time. I am sure I had
all the details, plotlines, conversations, characters, worked out
in my head, but I don't remember them now. Just bits and pieces,
nothing coherent.
Arizona
has a monsoon season, where we get these tremendous thunderstorms
during the summer. Those were my absolute most favorite times in
the world, ever. Right before it would start raining, it would be
gray and cloudy and windy. And you could just feel it. this timeless,
endless quality lingering in the air, an inevitablity of something.
It was sad, I think, (I was a bit of a sad child) but it was also
powerful and strong and made me feel like I was a part of this huge
great thing, something that my mind couldn't possibly comprehend,
but I could still feel it, deep deep down, to my bones, even deeper.
I still get that feeling, but as a child it was much more intense
because I wasn't so...well, to use the same tired old words, I wasn't
so jaded and cynical. It was much more important to me then.
i
hope everyone realizes there is one week left until my birthday.
One week. I shall be a nice happy healthy 24. Do you all realize
this?
my
back is starting to itch so that means that I will probably start
peeling here soon. Despite the fact that I smeared aloe vera on
myself like it was semen (that means a lot).
Tomorrow
is Wednesday. Do you know what my favorite day of the week is? Thursday.
I have always liked thursdays. Yes friday is great, but I like thursdays
cause you know that tomorrow, the Very Next Day, will be friday
and that is just a great feeling. My favorite coin is the dime,
my favorite paper money is the five dollar bill, and my favorite
number is 4, although I don't really have a favorite number, it
just sounded good as I was typing it.
I
went to the gym. good good christa. I thought they would turn me
away at the door though, saying "christa you are too too lazy
for us to let you in". they didn't though.
fargo
is sleeping against my leg right now and it is making me very happy.
I want to just bite his head off, he's so cute.
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