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7:30pm
I
do stupid stuff. And I did some stupid stuff last night. I just
hope it doesn't ruin the one thing I want, but I think it already
has. sigh. And I don't regret what I did except for pushing away
what I want to keep close.
I
don't know what to do. damn it all. I want him to think highly of
me, to respect me, I want him to like me, I want him to want me,
I just want and want and want. but I am who I am and I do things
that aren't always understandable or safe or smart. I don't even
know why I am so upset. It isn't like anything can or will happen
and I've always known that. There is just too much in the way. But
it still upsets me and makes me angry at myself and I feel like
I've lost so so much although I never really had him to begin with.
A part of me said last night "Christa, you know what to do
to end it, whatever that is. so don't leave it up to chance--take
control and fuck it up now before someone or something else does,
do it sooner than later." I need to provide ammunition to hate
myself and this will work well. Oh yes.
WHY
IS MY LIFE SO BOY-FOCUSED? WHY AM I SO MAN OBSESSED? argh. It is
frustrating. I need a break.
This
doesn't have anything to do with being a feminist and that whole
idea of needing a man in my life to feel complete, etc. Obviously
I know that I can live a full and happy life without a man. This
isn't the issue. I don't fucking care that I can do that. I don't
want to do that. That doesn't make me less of a woman or less strong.
I'm emotional and I have complex needs and loving someone is one
of those needs. I just wish I could do it healthily and normally
and not be so fucked up about it.
The
other thing that really bothers me is that this (my actions last
night) makes everything I've said and felt for him seem phony. And
that's perfectly understandable. It isn't true, but I understand.
I would probably think the same thing. In fact, I DO, when I hear
him talking about other girls. I feel like I am a good way to pass
the time till something better comes along, which is totally retarded,
I know, regardless of whether it's true or not.
I
don't plan on doing cocaine again though. There's no need. It was
great, yeah, but not so fabulous that it seems worth all the trouble
and craziness that comes with it.
ohmygod.
there is the stupidest fucking commercial right now for...I don't
know, some pizza place. And there are these two guys in suits at
a computer looking at "stocks" rise and fall on a cheesy
graph thing that a 2-year-old probably designed. And apparently
there is a particular stock that is going crazy, out the roof. the
one guy says "parmesan cheeeeese??" and the other says
"what would cause something like that?" and it's totally
gay and then the scene changes to shots of the pizza with cheese,
the idea being that this pizza place and their pizza causes parmesan
cheese stock to fucking blow a load. please. man that commercial
bugs me.
coming
home tonight on the subway, I passed a billboard for a bowling alley
that said "Turn off your TV and turn on your life. Join a league
today at...LUCKY STRIKE". cause, as we all know, bowlers live
amazing incredible lives free of TV that is unparalleled anywhere
else in the world.
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