{"id":825,"date":"2008-05-07T00:22:07","date_gmt":"2008-05-07T04:22:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.loafe.com\/?p=825"},"modified":"2008-05-07T00:24:58","modified_gmt":"2008-05-07T04:24:58","slug":"becoming-benjamin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/?p=825","title":{"rendered":"becoming benjamin"},"content":{"rendered":"

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Between a woman who was not any kind of mother before getting pregnant and the mother I have become, a lot has changed. Sure, all the “inside” nonsense, you know the “growing up” and the “finding a greater purpose” yes yes. but also the actual literal inside, literal in the actual LITERAL sense. my insides, my goods, my gooey goo.<\/p>\n

I knew so very little before ry. but I knew some basic things were true, constant: 2+2=4. sun rises in east sets in west. up is up. down is down. etc.<\/p>\n

Not anymore. So much has changed, and none more than my old beat box south of the border. Tell my vagina that 2+2=4 and she’ll respond, “Yes, wheat crackers would be lovely, please.<\/strong>” <\/p>\n

She’s polite at least, I’ll give her that.<\/p>\n

here’s the thing. I used to have sexy underwear, I swear. I did. I even wore them. And some of you got to see them, and some of you didn’t, but I wore them and they were there, being all secret underwear sexy, if only to me.<\/p>\n

Except at period time, I had my “mense this” pairs, durable fuckers that could take the lickings (or should i say drippings) and keep on ticking. sexy underwear is sexy but it isn’t for non-sexy times, you know what I mean?<\/p>\n

So I had my normal undies and my p.dot undies. Two distinct, specialized groups working together in synergized harmony to achieve a common goal–protect my girl bits from the big bad world.<\/p>\n

Then I had Ry and I am still trying to figure out what the hell was unleashed upon the earth.<\/p>\n

Because my vagina, the elusive enigmatic unpredictable little saucepot she is, suddenly turned into a complete fucking lunatic, waving her crazy arms and shouting her crazy thoughts and scaring the jebus out of me.<\/p>\n

my p.dot undies, once reserved for a few days a month, has become my normal, every-single-goddamned-day of my life underwear. there is no more sexy. it’s gone gone gone. sexy abandoned me the minute his sperm was wiggling its way into my egg, and I didn’t even know it.<\/p>\n

I need industrial strength fabric or else my cervix is going to plop right out.<\/p>\n

and I’m always leaking something now, I couldn’t tell you what. this formerly lazy flower of mine is in constant production, always manufacturing, always sharing.<\/p>\n

sigh. yet another fabulous joy to add to the many that motherhood has brought me.<\/p>\n

and it isn’t old age, it’s all ry’s fault. Because it never happened before a giant baby came rip roaring his way into the world, and now it does. a<\/strong> to b<\/strong> to c<\/strong>. it’s simple arithmetic kids.<\/p>\n

Is this my vagina’s way of getting back at me? For all the torture I’ve put her through?<\/p>\n

that little bitch. I’ll show her. I’ll fucking show her. She can ruin every single pair of underwear I own but I’ll suffocate the shit out of her. I will. You hear me, v? I will do it. I will goddamned do it right now.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Between a woman who was not any kind of mother before getting pregnant and the mother I have become, a lot has changed. Sure, all the “inside” nonsense, you know… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[38,37,39],"class_list":["post-825","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-random","tag-jebus","tag-vaginas","tag-wheat-crackers"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/825","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=825"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/825\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=825"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=825"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=825"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}