{"id":2884,"date":"2022-07-04T03:10:37","date_gmt":"2022-07-04T09:10:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/?p=2884"},"modified":"2022-07-23T18:12:09","modified_gmt":"2022-07-24T00:12:09","slug":"beans-and-sadness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/?p=2884","title":{"rendered":"Beans and sadness"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

More sprouting beans! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Come on little beans. You can do it! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I like sharing my plant life here. It’s okay that there’s no one to read it. I still like talking about it. Typing about it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But when I think about sharing my life again for real, with an actual person, well, I just can’t picture it. All I see is the bad. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

there has to be good things though, right? That’s why people do it. So… what are the good things about being in a relationship? I’m truly curious. Thinking about those supposedly good things makes my skin crawl, my stomach churn. Cuddling with someone? Gross. Talking about my day? Ugh. Watching a movie together? No thanks. I’ve done all those things and presumably I liked them? But now it sounds horrifying to me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

how did I get here? Have I become this way from being alone for so long? From the pandemic? From an abusive ex? Or have I always been this way? It feels like I’ve always been this way. And maybe it’s just become more pronounced, because of all those things. And now that I’m older, I finally feel comfortable enough to quit pretending I care about things. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I like being by myself. I like my own company and I like being alone and talking to myself and making myself laugh. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then I wonder if that’s really true. Am I fooling myself? Saying I like to be alone but really I am desperate for a relationship? Cause I definitely get lonely. I miss having regular sex. I get a kick out of making other people laugh. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But every single person I meet is just so boring. Nothing of value to me beyond the physical. And I’m getting to the point where I don’t even care about that anymore. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I don’t think it’s that I’ve convinced myself I’m better off alone. It’s that I am in fact better off alone. there is no one, not a single person, that thrills me, excites me, makes me want to end my solitude. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Okay okay, I admit that a part of me believes that there is someone right around the corner, someone who can change all this, who can break though, who can make me feel something. It’s a silly useless part of me, but nonetheless. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If that person did exist and I met him tomorrow, could I handle it? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I consider my past relationships, why have I pushed away good men but let the shit ones in? I grapple with two competing thoughts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Is it because I feel like I don’t deserve goodness? Do I not value my own worth? Is my self esteem that low? Am I so inadequate that only jerks can love me? That being treated poorly is the best I can hope for?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

OR! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Is it because I am so full of myself that I pick these low level men just to feel superior? So I don’t have to be challenged or work hard? So I can look down at them from above? So I can remain the angel among demons? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’m either a total narcissist or an insecure loser. No matter what, it’s not great. So yeah, I think being alone is the right choice. It’s fine though. I like good music, I know how to make myself come, and I am funny. What more can I ask for. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

More sprouting beans! Come on little beans. You can do it! I like sharing my plant life here. It’s okay that there’s no one to read it. I still like… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":2883,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2884","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-random"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2884","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2884"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2884\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2912,"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2884\/revisions\/2912"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2883"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2884"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2884"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.loafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2884"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}