Well, tomorrow marks Job, Day 5. I guess it’s all going okay. I really like the job and the actual work. I’m surrounded by paper and inks all day long and I love paper and inks. I get to play around in all my favorite computer programs and print things and smell them and it’s a lot of fun. I get out of the house, I interact with other people, I feel like a more productive member of society, in the sense I get a paycheck that tells me as much.<\/p>\n
It’s the whole missing Ryland thing that’s really got me down. Like, really really down. Instead of getting easier, it seems to be getting harder. Why does it have to be this way? I’ve only been gone four days, but it feels like an eternity. And already there’s a change in Ry. He just isn’t interested in me, he gets bored with me quickly, he is always searching for his dad. He doesn’t want me. As if my heart isn’t breaking enough.<\/p>\n
He’s mad at me I think, in whatever way a baby can be mad. We went from him and me constantly together to him and me hardly ever together. When we get to see each other, he’s grumpy after a long day, I’m grumpy after a long day and all that’s left is feeding, bathing and bed. The only times we really have left are when he wakes up in the night. Boy, am I grateful for those times, even though it makes me crazy tired during the day.<\/p>\n
His relative indifference to me makes me feel so rotten, I want to run away instead of see it and feel it everyday. Kind of like “well, fine, if you don’t need me, then I’ll just go…” A very immature and weak-willed reaction, yes, but I can’t deny feeling it.<\/p>\n
ARGH. I hate this, I hate every second. I love going to work. I hate being away. It’s just impossible. I can’t win. I am so frustrated that I want to break stuff. I feel like I’m losing my son and he’s not even a year old yet. Can’t he just stay my sweet little baby for a little while longer? Please?<\/p>\n
I have no idea how other parents do it. Any working moms care to offer advice, ways to cope, anything? Because I’m losing faith in my ability to be a good mother AND a paid worker.<\/p>\n
I suppose there are plenty of other worthy things to discuss other than my stay-at-home\/go-back-to-work crisis. I just don’t know what they are right now.<\/p>\n
For those of you who’ve written me and I haven’t responded, hang in there. This whole adjustment period is rough on me and I just don’t have it in me to be super communicative right now.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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