It really took me getting stoned after all these years to realize that one throwaway comment from my mother when I was a teenager set me up for the rest of my life? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I suppose therapy could get me to why her answer was so important to me, why it was able to have such an impact. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But listen we aren\u2019t here for that. Because whatever led to the question, what remains is that I have spent my entire adult life chasing a better answer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As you may remember, I asked her one summer afternoon, “mom am I pretty?” I was 16 I think. And her answer was honest and true. “well I wouldn’t say pretty. You’re more cute than anything else.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oof. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Everything I do has been about proving her wrong. Or right. Trying to find someone or something to tell me that is ridiculous of course you\u2019re pretty Christa. Or obsess over the ones that confirm its truth. But maybe most of all trying to convince myself. cute is good enough? Looks don\u2019t matter? I am pretty AND they like me they really really like me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ooh! I finally found it. My favorite passage from Money (Martin Amis). It feels appropriate for me tonight and also for the country right now. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAfter all we are only human beings down here and we could do with a lot more praise and comfort than we actually get. Earthling reassurance \u2014 it\u2019s in permanently short supply, don\u2019t you think? Be honest, brother. Lady, now tell the truth. When was the last time a fellow-Earther let you rest your head on their heart, caressed your cheek, and said things designed to make you feel deeply okay? It doesn\u2019t happen often enough, does it. We\u2019d all like it to happen a lot more often than it does. Can\u2019t we do a deal? Oh boy (I bet you\u2019re thinking), that head-on-heart stuff, whew, could I use a little of that.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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