I\u2019m a big fan of these stay at home orders. obviously because it helps slow the spread of the virus. Of course. OF COURSE. That\u2019s what is important and what matters. but there are other more personal, selfish reasons too. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Stay at home orders really speak to my introverted tendencies, my fondness for avoiding people, crowds, and generally just \u201changing out.\u201d There is a lot less small talk required of me, the joy this brings me cannot be underestimated. Also, I am incredibly lazy and so very good at being incredibly lazy. It\u2019s where I truly shine. So yay!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But there is more that lingers, back in the shadows, a ghost hiding in the dark. I had a really tough struggle with panic disorder and agoraphobia when I was younger. I\u2019ve come so far from it all that it almost seems like it happened to a different person, not to me. But being at home all this time has been so strange. it feels like all those millions of tiny little circuits in me that went black are starting to light up again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So when these states start talking about opening back up, the anxiety and panic grows, threatening to overwhelm me. Am I just worried about the increase in infections and deaths? Or is it more? Are those malfunctioning circuits starting to pull me back under? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Having to go out now makes me very anxious. I get panicky when people get too close to me. they\u2019re not six feet away! SIX FEET! Stay back! my heart starts racing and it gets hard to breathe. But I\u2019m wearing a mask, of course it\u2019s harder to breathe under it, you big baby. But then I think \u201cI just need to get back home. It will all be fine then. Just. Get. Home.\u201d What makes it especially tough is that it\u2019s true! It\u2019s true. Home is literally the safest place right now. there is a real, live, actual threat, not some imagined one in my defective brain. on a higher level of course I know the difference, but go deeper, and there is no difference. Staying at home and never leaving is the only safe way to live anymore. Virus, no virus, doesn\u2019t matter. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m a mom now and I\u2019ve got two boys to worry about. So it\u2019ll be fine. I will be fine. We will be fine. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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