I can’t take it! He doesn’t want me as a lover. He doesn’t want me as a friend. He told me the other night that he has a “brotherly/protector” instinct with me. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? god that’s even worse than putting me in the friend zone. Did I think I could feel worse about being “just friends”? No. No I did not.
But this man, well he found a way!
So… he’s my big brother, protecting me. Which is fine??? And wonderful??! I’ve always wanted a brother, my whole life. And now I have one??? That’s so great!! So great for me. A big brother. That I’ve been very very intimate and vulnerable with. That I’ve shared parts of me with that no one else got. A big brother that I keep embarrassing myself with repeatedly, because I am weak and he turns me into someone I don’t recognize (or even want to be).
Maybe I need to start considering if I can do this. If I can be just his friend. I thought maybe I could., that some of him was better than none of him. but with every new boundary shift and adjustment he makes to our relationship, I end up feeling even more like shit.
How did I, of all people, let myself go this far, this deep?
I am back home tomorrow. And once the weekend comes, I’m going to figure out what I want. Maybe I need a reading. I need some guidance from the ether.
And I can’t get it from Marianne now either, because she’s super mad at me. I don’t quite know what I did exactly, but maybe that makes it worse? maybe I should know.
I was feeling good at the start of this week but it quickly deteriorated.
Crap it’s late I need sleep. I hope my head stops hurting.
My meds are making me into something else. I’m a jar of thick blackstrap molasses, dripping oozing sliding down the side of these glass walls.
I’ve been in such a tender fragile place for a few weeks now, and he’s part of it certainly, he’s a huge part, he’s the engine part, he’s the pistons and the plugs, the gas and the go, but he’s not the only part. Cause see I’m going through things, I’m evolving, I’m changing, I’m coming to terms, I’m moving onward, I’m dreaming and floating and finding peace, letting go, making space, opening up, shutting off, building out and drawing near.
So tonight was the national. A single ticket, I bought for myself, many months ago, and I love the national, I’m my own saddest friend. And then everything crumbled and I lost my capacity for emotional balance and mental stability and the thought of the crowds in a new environment, by myself, listening to my favorite band, PROBABLY CRYING, was too much, just too too much.
But also… he was with me tonight. Well not WITH with me, am I ever going to see him, I don’t know, but he was on the other side of this little screen, with me, all night. And I didn’t want it to stop, I couldn’t leave. I could not turn away from the very thing I’ve been craving and needing and aching for; it wasn’t just silliness tonight, it was the little pulse in my wrist and temple, the pin prick point in my heart where it’s burning and spreading.
So I stayed here, and we were us. I have been so careful with him since it all fell apart, but tonight I softened.
It was entirely friendly, close but not romantic, definitely not sexual. I felt the intimacy and the familiarity, the undeniable bond we have, and it just felt so good and hurt so much.
We’re getting these bracelets he found, with words carved into a charm, intention words, and he even suggested we both get the same word, and we order them at same time. “No, I want us to get these together” he says to me. He had us pinky swear.
it’s true that I love him, I didn’t know if I could or would love someone again after Simon, if I wanted to even, but it didn’t matter what I wanted or felt capable of, because I fell for him, hard and fast. Some might say that makes it less real but to that all I can say is there was no other way for me. No other option. It was my fate the moment he messaged me. I didn’t know it then (how could I) but I see now it was inevitable.
Grief and loss are ocean waves and the moon pulls and pushes, takes and gives.
I’ll be okay, it’s just going to take a little longer than I thought. Especially since I’m trying to do this friends thing with him. It makes it harder, it feels impossible, but if time and water can form the Grand Canyon, it can blanket and reshape my heart.
In searching for an older photo from my Instagram (to show him something of course) I stumbled upon this post:
Gaze too long into the abyss, it gazes back into you.
10 years later, I’m still the same shallow vain fool, gazing into that abyss. because look, I had nearly the exact same photo in my camera roll, taken earlier in the day at the gym.
It’s good to know some things never change, right?
I’m gonna share my hot heaux summer playlist tomorrow I think. It’s really grand.
But now I’m going to try to sleep, holding him close in my mind. But shhh. it’s not for him to know.
Work your magic. It’s 3am and I’m sitting here awake and going through old messages and pictures, and there is no numbness. Just aching. Come on!! I need you to be better! Work harder! Dull me!
I mentioned to him I got meds, to help deal with my anxiety and sadness, that I needed something to get me through these next few weeks. And you know what this mf’er asked? If I knew what was causing it. My anxiety. My little mental health crisis.
Are you serious? ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW ?
God damn these men.
My heart was safe, guarded, protected, untouched. Then I let you near. I let you in. I was soft and tender in your arms and you broke me and now you want to know why I’m in pieces on the ground?
Wtf.
Maybe I need to take another Xanax. I only have 20 tho! I need to be judicious.
At least I have this lovely headstone that says welcome home, from my signed copy of Samantha irby’s newest book.
That’s where we are. That’s what we’re trying to do. Be friends.
Sigh
I’m gonna do it, because I am weak and pathetic and sad. Because I’d rather this than nothing.
I got Xanax today. Because I’m useless right now and I just want to be numb and not care about anything for the next couple of weeks. so I can “be friends.” So I can stop feeling like garbage. so I can stop obsessing. So I can do something else besides criticize myself and what I did wrong and why no one will ever love me. So I can just forget.
So far I’ve only sent two late-night, emotionally humiliating texts, which he thankfully ignored.
In happier news, my leg is doing so much better! I am healing at a phenomenal rate. Impressing so many people and doctors. They might throw me a parade. And give me a medal.
I’m doing gym stuff again, but making sure I take it easy and don’t push it too far. I can walk almost normal now! And the bruising is gorgeous, so nasty looking and utterly fascinating. I think the icing I’ve been doing, and then wearing this sexy sexy compression sock at night as I sit here watching TV, has really helped.
I don’t think I’ll need to wait six weeks before I’m back at it.
Should I still go to London for ocean at the end of the lane? We were going to go together. I’ll be sad the whole time. Maybe I’ll be over him by then. Maybe I’ll never be over him. Maybe the wrath of god will wipe all the evil treacherous traitorous souls from the earth by then. Cause see, Roger, man of god, told me all about it in the infrared sauna at my gym the other day. He prayed for me. I’ll be one of the saved ones. My body won’t be floating in the Potomac. Also trump is gonna be reinstated as president soon. This is all gonna happen in the next month. So maybe think about getting your affairs in order, people.
