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I’m pretty obsessed with the hysterectomy Reddit and I’ve learned a lot of interesting things, including some advice and tips on recovery. I am grateful for it.

But as I read about various women’s partners helping them out and doing nice things for them, like preparing a “recovery cart” or setting up a yeti cooler filled with drinks and snacks to be within reach, it occurred to me that I want that, too. I want someone to take care of me! I want someone to watch over me! I’m always doing it for everyone else and now I want someone doing it for me.

There is no one though. I mean I guess my kids but come on. I raised a couple of turds.

And I suppose there is gordon but I mean, come on. He was here earlier tonight and he cooked some kind of dinner for the boys, and then he left the kitchen a holy hell mess that I got to clean up when I got home. That’s the kind of “help” Gordon is.

I’m having trouble sleeping lately and now it’s nearly 3am and I’m going to be so tired tomorrow and I have a lot of work to do and and and

Tacos, and taco Tuesdays, seem to be our thing. And tonight I ate some really good fucking tacos. With an excellent margarita. that made me a little tipsy. Another fun night.

he likes me. No one has liked me in awhile. He is sweet to me and he hugs me, he will grab my hand or put his arm around me when we are walking, he says I’m spicy. (It was a compliment). Sometimes we’ll just be sitting there and he’ll give me a little wink and it’s so cute and I love it.

LOOK HOW EASY IT IS TO MAKE ME HAPPY.

At what point do I tell him about the yeeterus (a now-beloved phrase for a hysterectomy that I learned on dear old Reddit). According to my paperwork, no sex or things inside my vagina for at least six weeks.

But I think I will wait a bit longer before saying anything. cause who knows what might happen between now and Oct 17. he’ll get bored with me soon, like all the others did, so why bother revealing a lot of unnecessary and awkward information if I don’t have to. I learned that lesson the hard way (thanks Erik).

Sleep sleep sleep christa

Ever since I started “dating” again, it’s felt like I’ve been chasing someone. or something. I don’t know what exactly.

I mean of course sex. Duh. But not just sex right? If I wanted just sex, then I certainly found it, in multiple ways, and do not need to keep looking.

So who knows what I’m doing now. Certainly not me. Which is okay. Why do I always need to know what I’m doing. Can’t I just live my life without a frigging constant deep-dive analysis of every action.

And I am having fun with my new friend. I don’t have to chase him. I don’t have to twist myself into knots and intricate positions to get his attention. He just likes me. He wants to do stuff with me. He wants to touch me. He doesn’t make me feel inadequate. It is all so very easy, so very simple. But here’s the best part. It is not boring! Normally something this uncomplicated is mind-numbingly dull.

Do not ask me about drew. I have no idea what is happening there.

And do not ask me about erik. I also have no idea what is happening there. he haunts me every hour of every day and maybe he will till the day I die, but I am able to push it to the back of my head and it doesn’t make me sick to my stomach as much anymore. Progress?

The yeeterus is quickly approaching. Ahhhhh!!! I was so wrapped up in no longer being a woman that I never considered the 6-8 week recovery, a lot of which includes no gym.

Hear that? NO GYM. What am I going to do?

Tonight after class I was chatting with my yoga teacher (who I am a little bit in love with). She said she doesn’t know what I do for a living but that she knows that I’m a healer, I’m an energy healer, it’s plain as day, and that it should be my full time job.

It tickled me, because coming from her it felt like such a compliment. And not just because I have a crush on her. She said it because she meant it.

I don’t feel like a healer of any kind, but you know, maybe I kind of do? I think I offer something a little out of the ordinary to the people in my life, the ones who are open to it. Some people say nay, some people don’t see it at all, and some people are vampires and try to suck it all out of me. Some feel it on a subconscious level and crave it desperately, but can’t understand why, so it turns them into frenetic lunatics (ahem erik). But some people… some people just get it and they are my true soul family.

So I’ve been thinking about it all night. This absurd idea of being some hippy dippy energy healer, and like… what if that really was my job? My life? Not working for a bunch of sexist stupid corporate dickholes, staring at a computer all day, talking about KPIs and audience conversion rates and making dumb digital graphics and media kits and setting SMART goals and wishing every night that an asteroid would destroy the world. What if I was doing something that felt powerful and magical? Important? What if my “job” was making a real impact in the world? Unseen, undervalued, but a crucial part of the pulse underneath it all.

Instead of being in 400 zoom meetings a day, what if I instead was cultivating connections with the universe, other people and, most importantly, myself?

When she said that to me, I felt a stirring underneath my skin. It set something ticking inside me. I can’t explain it. There was nothing and then there was something. I’m curious to investigate this strange new little space that has opened up beneath my rib cage. Maybe it won’t lead anywhere or mean anything. but maybe it will. Maybe a random conversation after 5:15 yoga with Shauna will change the trajectory of my life.

It feels important.

Anyway. I’ve got more fun planned tomorrow with my new friend and I’m pretty excited about it.

When I asked what he wanted to do, he said “let’s make it up as we go along” and then suggested we pretend to be tourists. Don’t you just love it? Because I do, the whole thing delights me. I enjoy his company and how he’s drawing me out of my comfort zone, in such a smooth effortless way. Bringing me along with him to discover the city we live in, and in the process waking me up from a dreamless sleep I didn’t know I was in. Or maybe I did. I don’t know.

Did he bulldoze over me and flip my entire world upside down (like someone I won’t mention again)? No.

What this new friend is doing is slow, easy, natural, normal. He might be turning my world upside down, but we are doing it together, in little pieces, while he holds my hand (metaphorically but also a little literally).

Then I see drew later. I don’t know what is happening there. I should have dropped this guy a long time ago but he intrigues me and I need something to pick at.

My life feels a little surreal right now. my social life especially. But work too. And parenting. And my upcoming yeeterus. just everything.

This fall is going to be interesting. There is a wind swirling around me, a crackling in the air, a shift in the lines. A slow build. Perhaps I can find (fall into) grace after all.

Wish me luck. Wish me love.

I went to a show last night, at summit music club, a little place with decent sound. It was royksopp. When he first mentioned it I was sort of on the fence. But then I decided to just say yes and he got the tickets and we went and I’m so glad I did it.

Because I had so much fun. Like real actual for serious fun. fun with a capital f.

First of all I love royksopp. I haven’t seen them since 2014, in Boston, with Robyn. But they’re great.

Also, everyone there was old like me. I appreciate this immensely. It’s hard enough liking electronic music but liking it as a middle-aged lady? Even though I truly love it, some part of me feels like it comes off as desperate and sad. Which is dumb right? Why can’t I like what I like? There shouldn’t be an age limit.

But whatever, the point here is that I did not feel dumb or desperate or sad last night. Quite the opposite. And it wasn’t just because there were lots of olds. But also because I was with great company.

He is an interesting guy. Different than the others. He’s got this strange and curious energy to him. It’s very intriguing. He is sexy and unusual and he gets me to do fun stuff with him. Stuff that I don’t do. We’ve been out a few times now and he’s really made me interested in this city I live in and how vibrant it actually is. It’s not just stupid suburbia and strip malls.

So last night there we are at royksopp and he takes my hand as he weaves us through the crowd and we find a place to stand and the music is starting and the air has that thick but light quality to it. the energy is crackling.

as the night goes on, the feeling comes. That old familiar feeling. Of being in a club, all those warm bodies, the music, the lights, the electricity. Skin prickling, the bass breathing heavy into every corner of your body. Your twitchy brain trying to find the note to chase.

And we dance. And dance. And dance. boy was it sexy. Sizzling. I have not sexy-danced with a guy in a very long time.

Ahhhh!!! it was just so fun. So liberating. I just did not give one fuck how I looked or how fat I was, or how old I was. I just let it all go. let the music in. Let the thrum take over. I moved my body and he moved with me and I felt alive. Him standing behind me, grabbing me. His body pressed up tight against me, moving and sliding together.

And we didn’t even take any drugs! We had a beer or two before but no drugs.

It reminded me of the early days in Boston. When I would go out to all the clubs and parties and raves and dance till I was ready to collapse. but I never took a single drug. everyone else around me was rolling or tripping or whatever. But I didn’t need it. I was getting high off them, their energy, their air, their presence. I mean yes eventually I started using drugs too but I never liked it in the club. I much preferred doing them at home in my safe space.

Oh I smoked weed back then. I guess that is considered a drug but not really. I’m talking MDMA and mushrooms and coke and LSD.

It was just a really good time and it made me feel amazing and more like myself. My real self. My true self. The self before becoming a mom.

Maybe I can be happy and find joy and fun in life again. Not just sitting in my apartment by myself.

Even though I do very much like that.

What I do like is these various men bringing out different parts of me, some good some bad.

Erik is back, I guess. sort of. He apologized. Sort of. He said he realized he didn’t like not having me in his life and getting to talk to me. Well duh. I’m awesome.

But I’m being real careful here. Im happy to have his attention again, especially the sexy attention. but I’m not about to get my tender little heart put back in a blender. Everyone hates him. Wants me to ditch him.

But I do what I want!