on the way to work this morning, my cute fedex boyfriend got in behind me on the elevator and said “three please” and when I pushed the 3rd floor button, slowly, seductively, looking right into his blue fedex eyes, I knew he loved me. I said “you want me to push your button? this button here? okay, I’ll push it.” and, because my button-pushing skills are tofuckingdiefor, he moaned, all fedex sexy, and it was so on… “oh yes I’ll push it, fedex baby. yes yes yes. I’ll keep pushing it, mmmhmmm, now you do it, push, right here okay, don’t stop pushing that button, oh god, oh fuck ooohhhh yeeeeessss …”
and then I opened my eyes and it was quiet and I said “ahem” and he said “ummm…” and I said “oh that? sorry. I have tourette’s. I forgot my meds. what are you gonna do.” and he said “alright.” and then he said “so, uhhh, floor three please” and I said “oh yes, umm, here, floor three, coming right up” and then he said “is your office open on monday?” and i said “what’s monday? yes we’re open. why what’s monday?” and he said “it’s a holiday. patriot’s day” and I said “oh. yeah. we’re open. bummer.”
and then we got to my floor and I stepped out and he said “don’t worry hot sugar honeybee. you may have to work but I’m scheduled to see you monday, I’ve got a special package for you, and your vagina has to sign for it. tourette’s is hot. you’re hot. it’s morning in philly, and you know how to touch me.” and I said I LOVE YOU MAKE BABIES WITH ME and then we did. we made babies. and then he wrapped the babies ever so gentle in fedex bubblewrap and put them ever so gentle in fedex boxes and shipped them direct to heaven, so now me and my fedex boyfriend have fedex babies in heaven.
- …but in battalions.
- ole, ole, ole