London is terrific!

This has to be the worst “article” I’ve ever read. Granted it’s from BostonNOW, a extra ordinary lame daily (the Metro is the other one, and it’s saying something when the Metro is a better read). I don’t know if I’m allowed to do this, but I’m going to type up the entire thing, because it just amazes me. Someone got paid for this. Probably in acorns, but still.

It makes me think that maybe it was written in another language and someone at the paper put it into a computer for translation. Or maybe a wet noodle wrote it and another wet noodle translated it into “english” for the BostonNOW readers. Either way, it comes off like a stoned 15-year-old writing an essay for English class.

Here, it’s short, take a read, see what I mean.

Taking your kids to London
London is a perfect family travel destination, and just because you have kids doesn’t mean you can’t take the kids to London. [oh my god this sentence is awful bostonnow clearly doesn’t have an editor. or employees with actual brains. or readers with brains. brains and bostonnow are mortal enemies!]

Family travel to London is ideal, because London–with its close cultural and historical ties–is a terrific destination for families having their first overseas adventure. [its close cultural and historical ties… to?? to familes? to london? to WHAT? for me, the gist of this sentence (and I use that word generously) is “family travel to london is ideal because london is terrific for families! family family family! if I keep saying family I will sound smart, right?! terrific!”]

London has terrific attractions and well-known icons like the double-decker bus and the famous London Bobby. [yes. yes. thank you and yes. get this man a pultizer!]

And London has a terrific underground system easy for families to understand, and that makes traveling through London a snap for kids and families. [families and family and kids and terrificness London London families kids! woo!]

Although London is an important destination, family travel to London has to be planned because family travel to London or anywhere is a challenge. [This sentence stands on its own for the pure genius that it is.]


for reals.

Now tell me this doesn’t make you cry. It’s so funny, but only because it’s so pitiful, so awful, so sad. Seriously, how does this get published.

Oh, I can’t forgot the handy little Family Travel Tips they included for the story; cut it out and put it on your refrigerator, better yet take it with you!

Tips to make London successful and memorable:
– Be sure to include free time
– Let the kids carry their own money, and give them the experience of converting dollars to pounds. It’s a great math assignment.
– Split up. Mom and dad can go in separate directions, each with a child, and come together to share later. Kids love having experiences their siblings don’t.
– Avoid hotels, if you’re staying for more than a week.
– Consider renting a short-term apartment or “flat”.
– You’ll save money on meals and “live like a native” if you shop at the local shops.

sigh. sigh for all of the world.

It’s so terribly (terrifically!) written, and when I googled the author, he apparently is able to get work all over town. Of course, to be fair, one of his biggest credits is writing for the Herald. Ahem. Not familiar with the Boston Herald? I tell you what, go shit on a cardboard box, smear it around with your hands, and then read that. There’s the Herald. Actually, I exaggerate. That shit on cardboard is a better read. And a smarter one, too.

for fuck’s sake. how does a guy who writes shite like this make his living as a writer, but I can’t? I’m not saying I’m a great writer (yes I am) but I know I’m better than that. for reals, dude.

this is wed bitchery because it came out in yesterday’s daily; it’s thurs divinity as well because it’s nice to be reminded that you’re better than everyone else in the world.

7 thoughts on “London is terrific!

  1. Tiffany

    Ummmmm, if THIS is what you’re ignoring me for nowadays, well then…. YOU are the suck, CJM! You are THE suck! You hate me and you hate my, as yet to be conceived, babies.

    Please file the “tips” for our trip to Europe. Thank you.

  2. DG

    Hmmm London travel…damn I have no kids!!

    CardBOARD box part numbers, sizes and other pertinent data is better.

  3. DG

    Did you see the article why he did lists?? Depression, resentment and fear!!
    He was a real human yay!

  4. Annie

    oh. my. gosh. that article sounds like it was originally written in japanese and then translated to english by yahoo. my favorite is when he says to avoid hotels if you’re staying for more than a week. where are you supposed to stay, then? on the street? in the underground?

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