why I hate children more than anything in the world

I’m giving up potty training. It’s a ridiculous, mind-numbing, patience-eating, happiness-destroying pain in the ass activity that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Just when you think things are going swell, when you’ve crossed the threshold, broken the barrier, made it to the other side, you find yourself buried in a silo’s worth of soiled bedding, clothes and various household items, reminding you how much you suck as a parent and how well you’ve succeeded in raising the worst and possibly most retarded child in the history of children.

I don’t know what happened. Things were great. He was peeing in the toilet like a champ. Sure, we were struggling a bit with the whole pooping thing, but it was okay, we were making progress. Slow progress, but moving forward we were.

Then suddenly, overnight, we’re back to square one. Not even square one, we’re back to like square -12 or something, because not only is he refusing to poop in the toilet, he won’t even pee in it anymore. He won’t tell us when he has to go, he’ll just wet himself. When we sit him on the toilet, he screams and cries and carries on like I’m lighting matches to his tenderonies and still he won’t go.

He’s peeing his pants all the time now, peeing peeing peeing everywhere, soaking his clothes, soaking his bed, soaking the earth, soaking my love, all with his evil urine. I don’t want to traumatize the poor kid by making him sit on the toilet crying hysterically while I sit there next to him crying hysterically, cursing at him to just pee in the goddamn toilet already what the eff is wrong with you it isn’t rocket science just PEE IN THE FUCKING TOILET AHHHHHHH!!!

But I can’t take it anymore. I’m at my limit. I do not know what else to do. I can’t bribe him any more than I have, not with treats, not with toys, not with stickers, not with money. Nothing works. He has his own little potty. He has the big potty. He has the little kid toilet seat to place over the big potty. He knows it’s time, he knows how to do it, he’s done it plenty of times, and still he refuses. I beg. I try reasoning. He is a wall.

I don’t want keep putting him in diapers all day, because he’s 3 and a fucking half years old. But he is completely unfazed when he pees/poops his pants. And it’s not like I can just let him sit in his dirty clothes, I have to change him, so there is no real suffering or incentive on his part. It really just seems like I have no other choice but to go back to diapers. It feels like I’m giving in to him, he’ll know my breaking point and being the little devil he is exploit that to his full advantage, but I just don’t care anymore.

fucking kids. no wonder my mother hates me.

I probably should have put this post up yesterday, because thursdays are supposed to be about the divine, but there is little to be inspired by in the world of human waste. even if it is related to you.

7 thoughts on “why I hate children more than anything in the world

  1. PA Michelle

    Gabby is a few months in age behind Ry, but I’m still buy fucking diapers (for her AND Owen, btw). Size 6 we are up to now. SIZE 6! There are ABCs on them, as if to say, “If you can recognize these letters, you shouldn’t be IN DIAPERS KID.” Diapers go up to size 7. Size 7…this is like what? Kindergarten age children? At the rate we are going with potty training we’ll have to get Gabby Adult Size XXXXS Depends.

    In summary… I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

  2. Marianne

    Oh, how this post made me laugh. Holding my big belly laugh. And then, Michelle’s comment! HA!

    How well I remember those days. I remember my moment with RL. We were in a grocery store….she had been pooping in her pants for months. I looked into her eyes and knew the game was up. We came home with diapers.

    Now, here is the fun part CJM….the day, and I mean the VERY FUCKING DAY you put that child back in diapers, I would bet money he will start not only peeing in the potty again, he’ll poop there as well.

    This is a power struggle. You must pretend to let him win in order to win yourself. Buy the diapers and from here on out act like you could not give a rat’s fart in a high wind what he does with his own excrement and watch how fast he decides that the place for it is in the potty. And even if it doesn’t work out that way and he takes another six months to decide that, at least there will be less laundry, so really, you win either way.

  3. Jonathan

    clothespin on the penis for one minute every time he pees somewhere other than the toilet. He’ll be toilet trained in less than a week. And serial killing in only a few years after.

  4. christa

    Hmm. toilet trained in a week vs serial killing in a few years? I think it’s worth the risk. totally.

    thanks marianne for your advice, I think that’s a great idea. you’re right. I’m going to pretend to let him win, so even if he believes he’s won at least I’ll know that I LET HIM WIN and that makes me the winner. woo! diapers it is.

    let me know if you find something that works for you and gabby, michelle.

    stupid body needing to pee and poop all the time. another reason why robots are so much better.

  5. christa

    and fucking mccain. my headphones, my kid who won’t use the toilet. what’s next, johnboy? what is next in your maniacal plot to destroy my life?

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