I won’t clear the mess I’ve made

I’m in a shit mood. It’s been this way since I woke up. The day isn’t getting better, but I guess it’s not getting worse either, so there’s that at least. I don’t know what my problem is, I can’t even blame PMS. I’m just so annoyed at everyone and everything, more than usual.

You live your whole life from the inside looking out. Every now and then, when you least expect it, you get a glimpse of how it looks from the outside in. Sometimes it’s a word or a feeling, maybe a picture, a memory, a person…whatever the catalyst, you suddenly find yourself overwhelmed with realizations and understandings that you ignored, forgot or were unaware existed. If you’re anything like me, you end up questioning your motives and desires, and what was once so sure becomes unstable, flimsy, threatening.

I asked G last night as I’m climbing into bed what sort of custody arrangement he’d want if we broke up. What kind of question is that? Why the fuck would I ask him that? It’s cruel and pointless. I treat him like shit, and he always tries so hard to please me, to make me feel loved, to make me love him. I just toss him aside like an empty wrapper. Why? Why do I do that?

I’ll tell you why. Because I’m a bitch, a total and complete bitch, acutely selfish, absorbed in my own little fantasy world, entranced by my navel.

I’m a bull in a china shop, only I don’t think I’m a bull, I think I’m a tiny little fairy dancing around gracefully, sprinkling magic pixie dust over everything. Even as I stare right in the goddamned mirror and see the bull, this hairy enormous bull snorting mucus and saliva and whatever else it is that bulls snort, and I just ignore it, I still flit about like I’m tinkerbell, I say there is something wrong with that mirror.

It’s ridiculous.

Seriously, I don’t know what my problem is, I told you this already.

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