I am very afraid of something.
What if my baby doesn’t fill up this hole? Here I am thinking she will, depending on it, but what if she doesn’t? What if she comes along and she is perfect and lovely and amazing, but still, inside, I’m just an empty wasteland?
Because let’s face it folks, she’s really my only hope, my last chance, the final countdown, after this, it’s game over.
Already I love her more than I ever imagined possible and I may just be setting both of us up for a lot of sadness. I am putting such burdens on her, such expectations. She is a baby not my savior and I am terrified I’m going to screw it up. And this is the one thing that I absolutely positively cannot fuck up. How the hell am I going to grow up and be the unselfish, sane, rational being that I need to be in 5 months? I haven’t been able to do it in 29 years.
I can only hope that I am stronger and better than I think. Just do my best, I guess.
But I am still so very scared.
- Right on cue.
- drum roll please…