the sexiest number you’ve ever seen.

I think I’m finally settling into my age. I don’t know what it is, but for the first time in a long time, maybe ever, I don’t feel that cloying at my throat, the terror of getting older. It was there last year, it was there at 30, it was there pretty much throughout my entire 20s. Somehow, somewhere, something changed. Now I feel good.* I am not ashamed to be 32. I’m proud! I love being 32. It’s sexy. That curvy 3, the teasing 2.

I figured out why I was so scared of getting older. Because one day I would wake up and suddenly I would be an old woman. Just like that. Go to bed a young lass and wake up wrinkled and weak, with nothing to show for it.

It doesn’t work like that, though. It’s a gradual process. And I get to experience it as it happens. I welcome all the wisdom and knowledge that comes with being 32, 35, 46, 50, and so on. I love seeing older women who are so self-assured and comfortable. It pleases me and gives me hope. Especially when I compare that to the floundering, careening lives of all these young kids.

So I’m getting older, yes, but it seems to be getting better, easier, simpler. In spite of or because of a world that tries to complicate the shit out of everything? I don’t know. I just know that I’m at peace with my age, for once in my life, and it feels fantastic. One less thing I need to obsess over and freak out about. Looking back at the past decade, it seems so silly. I basically wasted my twenties being worried about my thirties, instead of truly enjoying them.

At least I have my thirties to frolic in, right? Better late than never.

* this in no way suggests that I am happy, only that I’ve come to terms with my age. Let’s save the rainbows and butterflies for someone else, please.

10 thoughts on “the sexiest number you’ve ever seen.

  1. Tiffany

    I’m finding that as a woman in her 30’s, I know who I am more now than I ever have in my entire life. I know what I’m passionate about, that’s for sure.

  2. DG

    Good Grief..I thought Id never see the day that CJM would gradualy become comfortable with being….as old as dirt!!!
    Good Job CJM!!

  3. christa Post author

    thanks JR, you are indeed correct, I meant clawing.

    but I so love the word cloying. I think I’ll leave it as is, I don’t really mind that it doesn’t make sense.

  4. celly belly

    Well hey, look at it this way, the best is yet to come, you still have your sexual peak at 34 to look forward too. Which sadly enough, means mine will have passed come Aug :-( DAMN! maybe it’s 36, yeah, that sounds better. I think the 30’s and 40’s are the best time for a woman. You gain alot of confidence and insights into yourself that you never had in your 20’s. Of course, I wouldnt miss the gray hairs. I swear, got my first couple ones just weeks after I turned 30 and now it’s an epidemic, thank God for hairdye! ooh and make anti aging undereye cream your new best friend :-) by the way, I just gave my two weeks at my lousy stinking job, with a psychopath for a boss! talk about a huge relief. What’s that saying, dont shit where you eat, well thats true. I will never work where I live ever again! ARGH!!!

  5. DG

    So that means no Halloween Decorations… Oh well..
    Sounded like fun …
    Until that Bastard boss screwed you over!!!

  6. gina

    Imagine being around a bunch of 22 year-olds all the damn time. Luckily they think I am close to the same age. At least that’s what they tell me when I ask them. They would tell me the truth, right? hahaha. You look like a young chick. Total young hotness. Age is just a number.

  7. gina

    And can I say I just love this mother fucking Cary Brothers “blue eyes” song. Makes me wish I had someone with blue eyes.

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