My whole life, I have been fractured into seeing boys in two different lights: the boys I want to have sex with and the boys I want to be close with; I have always tried to combine the two, to merge them into one single entity, but so far I have been unable to do so. I have to have one or the other. Either we have sex and we’re not close, or we’re close and we don’t have sex. I guess the ideal boy, the magical and elusive One, would inspire me to feel both, at the same time. But I don’t believe in such fluffy sweetness, the notion that somewhere out there is the perfect guy. Someone who will cure all my ills and bring everything together in a cohesive whole. I don’t believe it.
With Gordon, I want to be close with him forever, but the sexual desire isn’t there like it used to be, the passion I once felt is so faded and soft now. I will love him always, but sex just isn’t a necessary aspect to that love. It was the same with Morgan as well and why I have avoided long term relationships and/or sexual activity in the past with particular boys that I liked very much, because I knew what would happen.
It just feels like I only have two choices when it comes to boys, sex and relationships. I can be single and slutty and have sex on a regular basis with boys that I do not have much love for or I can be in a monogamous, intimate, affectionate relationship with someone I love but have sex on a very irregular basis. I know what I want. I want the single boy, the single relationship, to focus on just him and no one else. But at what expense? It is unfair to everyone involved. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t have sex, I can’t be in a relationship, I can’t be normal.
Maybe this all has to do with my inability to commit. But that doesn’t ring true. I have no problem with commitment. I am not afraid of it. And I know that relationships are never as fervent and insistent as when they are first beginning. It is the nature of all things–they are always shinier and brighter when they are new. And as time goes on, you learn to love the parts of a relationship that endure, knowing someone so well and knowing they will always be there, someone with whom you can be as crude or crazy or goofy as you want. What happens with me isn’t simply the newness wearing off.
I think what I need is a little bit of sexual healing. Maybe a lot bit. The kind of healing that transforms me into a normal, healthy functioning girl with a normal, healthy functioning sexuality. My experiences with sex are not exactly fairy tales. I suppose we all have our issues so I should just deal with mine and get over it already. I just wish I knew how to do that. Come on world, gimme some sexual healing!
- my brush, your brush.
- Smokes and a cup of Joe.