still asleep.

Why is it foreigners are so much more interesting and seem to have so much more fruitful and spectacular lives than us Americans? Well, this American anyway.

Growing up middle-class American has affected my ability to be interesting. I’m sure of it. Middle-class is SO boring and SO blah. Everyone is frigging middle-class America. It’s the middle-class who invented the word crazy, because we have to keep doing outrageous things to get attention, otherwise we go unnoticed.

Being boring by default, for instance, means I have to perform small acts of “magic” to seem interesting, even just to myself. Acts of magic like being incredibly slutty, or trying to kill myself, or getting involved in stupid relationship melodrama, or being over 30 and still in school. The best one yet? Pretending I’m a writer, an ARTIST, with real experiences to share. HA. This isn’t how real people with real lives behave.

I don’t know, maybe it’s the Internet. Suddenly I have access to so many lives that were once unknown to me. Maybe it was better before the good old information superhighway, when I hated my life compared only to those I saw around me in my shitty town and to those I saw on TV or in magazines. That I could handle.

But now…well, now I not only have friends and neighbors and celebrities to compare myself to, I’ve got a whole entire world of men and women who are infinitely more attractive and smarter and funnier and can speak exotic languages and they all have alluring accents and the craziest sweetest most amazing stories to share. And what can I offer to top that? The most exciting thing about me is my baby, and there are millions and millions of women with babies. Nothing special there.

Okay, yes you’re right, Ryland is out of this world fantastic and the very definition of special. Therefore, by mere physical proximity, I am elevated slightly in the worthwhile category. But I’m just his mother. His perfect existence doesn’t make ME any more appealing or unique.

In the end, it comes down to me being disappointed with myself. There isn’t really anything all that interesting about me and it’s my fault for not changing that, for not taking action, for not going out and making things happen. I wait. I watch and wait and then feel depressed when the merri-go-round passes me by. Just because I have a ticket doesn’t mean I get to ride. I have to get on first, right?

So what is holding me back. Why won’t I get on the motherfucking ride already?

16 thoughts on “still asleep.

  1. gina

    Ok – maybe this will make you feel better. So I was chatting with (what should we call him?) umm, future husband. So, I was chatting with my future husband and he asked me what I did for fun and I told him I made cards. How interesting is that? I could have said any number of things, and I come up with cardmaking. So, compare yourself to me and feel better.

  2. DG

    I did something real exciting this morning!!!!!!!!! I locked myself out of my crib!!! Havent done it in years!!! Tension, anxiety, doubt, fear…. they all crept in….. then I used my brain!!!! That was exciting! I installed the door so I could figure a way in!!! I found a tool in the garage pryed here pryed there, put some tension here and then pushed Whamo!!!! In the house in 15 seconds no damage to lock or door!!! Life is full of treasures and excitement you just are blind to it when its created by yourself… Television has turned you into a spectator addict and you dont even see when you are the source of the action !!!!!

  3. Fi

    Most exciting(but its not)thing I did today was volunteer at the school fair on the weekend.
    Now of course I am freaking out like its some mega huge event.
    I haven’t “worked”for like 7 years, before children and the last time I did any kind of “selling” was when I worked at McDonalds when I was 17.
    So here I am freaking out about selling baskets for an hour at my 6 year olds school fair,like what if someone gives me a large amount of money I have to make change for and my poor mind thats gone a bit mushy since babies can’t count it up in my head?
    Now that is sad!

  4. DG

    My baby cat George, who will be 8 mos on 3-20, caught and delivered to my bedside his first mouse.
    It happened on 3-16-05 at 6:20 am. I was immensley proud.

  5. DG

    I did some thinking. You are on the ride already, whether your in a gilded carriage or the back of
    a sharecroppers truck. That, this, is the ride. We are all on it. Youve always been on it.

  6. brasten

    Wow.

    Good post, Christa. Seriously.

    And of course there are a lot of “deep” answers to your final question… fear… insecurity… BUT, I think those are small reasons. The biggest reason, for ME at least, is inertia. I’m an object standing still, I will tend to stay standing still. The reverse is also true… and object in motion tends to stay in motion, and once you push through your standing-still tendencies, I think you’ll find it easy to stay in motion.

  7. Simon

    the ride’s goddamn full, that’s the problem.

    some people have been on there way too long and it’s pissing us all off.

    there’s talk that some of them haven’t even friggin’ paid. we know who they are.

    you should do yourself (and us) all a favour and kick someone off.

    kick someone off the ride Christa!

  8. Simon

    …and damn those foreigners! why should they have all the fun? they can all get off the merry-go-round for a start.

    oh, hang on…

    speaking of foreigners, it’s about time we had ourselves a loafe poll.

    if you had to choose between a) “i want to know what love is” by foreigner and b) “roseanna” by toto at your…um… let’s think… funeral, what would you choose? and there is no c) i’m just too damned cool to choose either of them. ok? now, go to work…

    by the way, i agree with celly a few posts back, Mean Girls was hilarious and the funniest film last year apart from Shaun of the Dead. in fact, they should make a joint sequel featuring the plastics as zombies with the tagline (insert deep movie-man voice) “maybe she’s born with it? maybe she’s just dead…”.

    can anyone else possibly be as bored at work as i am this very instant? that’s the next poll. at least it’s thursday afternoon here and i’m closer to the weekend than anyone else is in the world. which makes me happy. but then again when everyone else is doing their sundays, i’m in the middle of my monday. which makes me sad. who can possibly win in this crazy mixed up world? sigh.

    ‘me too, all the way…’

  9. gina

    I would have to go with Roseanna most definitely. I remember in the Third grade I bought that record for show and tell and played Roseanna. It was between that song and “Africa.” I think I made the better choice.

  10. Christa Post author

    hm. I always thought it was “meet you all the way” so for years I was singing it wrong.

    also, how funny it is to me that you played a song for show and tell. how is that show and tell? that’s more like hear and tell or something. or show and hear. or just hear.

    but I definitely want roseanna at my funeral, which there won’t actually be because I want to be cremated. so when my ashes are being sent off into space or dropped off into the ocean, I want the person doing it to play roseanna. or at least sing it softly.

  11. Simon

    haha! christa! you could be so right!

    for years i’ve been singing to myself “me too all the way” which doesn’t really make any sense but neither does roseanna arquette dating the uberhairy toto guy which is what the song is all about. once i heard that story i wasn’t going to start questioning any lyrics. shudder.

    i think a song for show and tell is brilliant, and showing and telling toto especially brilliant, so brilliant in fact that you should commemorate the moment with a special card. find a picture of you in third grade and a picture of a classroom environment, do a bit of photoshopping and add some lyrics swirling around in the background.

    if that is the type of card you make of course…

  12. gina

    Okay, I am confused. It’s not “meet you all the way” ? What is it then. That used to be Donnie’s favorite song, BTW.

    Hey, that card idea is great! I should totally do that. I don’t think I have any pictures of me in a classroom enviroment though.

    Crap, I did show and tell one other song, but I can’t remember what it was. Damn.

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