I have sacrificed a lot to be home with the boy, particularly in the relationship field. Right now I’m okay with this, but eventually I won’t be. I’m not happy and sooner or later I’m going to have to do something about it. I think that it’s my duty to do as much as I possibly can to keep my family together, to try and make things work, for Ry’s sake at least. But I’m pretty tired and I feel like I’m the only one trying, like I’m the only one holding things together. More than anything, I want to set a good example for my son and I’m not doing it. I want him to see healthy, respectful, honest relationships. I don’t want him to see the way G and I are living and think this is the way to do things, this is the way to love and treat people. Because then the cycle never ends. He needs good role models and good people. Loving him is not enough.
My family teases me, says I am “anti-love” because of my attitude. I tend to make fun of love and the crap the entertainment industry produces in its name. But it isn’t that I’m anti-love. I just don’t believe that love can conquer all, that love is all you need. My situation is clear proof that love is not all you need.
When I look around at all the boys I know, I realize how much better things could be for us. I realize that we deserve better. We deserve more than someone telling us how much they love us, but not behaving in an honest, loving manner. Because if this is the way G loves us, then I don’t want to be loved.
There is a particular boy, we’ll call him George, George Glass, and I think “he’s got it all.” It makes me sad, because he’s so unavailable to me that we might as well be living on different planets. But that doesn’t keep me from thinking “if only…” and that’s a dangerous thought that could lead me down a dangerous path. Not with him, because as I’ve just said, even though he’s the boy I want, we’re on different planets. But it gets me thinking. Up till now I haven’t that interest in other boys was lacking. Now it seems to be coming back.
I don’t regret my life with G. If nothing else, it brought me Ry and I couldn’t ask for anything better or sweeter or more perfect than him.
I hate the person I’ve become with G and I am tired of hating myself. It’s so easy to be complacent and to settle for less, to compromise. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. The right choices are sometimes the hardest to make, but I have a friend who is in the middle of a divorce from a terrible man who treated her so poorly, and it gives me hope. If she can get herself out of a bad situation and move on, then so can I.
Of course, this means big changes for me. And for Ry. I won’t be able to be home with him, because I need to find work and support us. But I’ve been unbelievably lucky to have this time with him and I don’t regret that a single bit. It was so worth it.
“To become a real boy you must prove yourself brave, truthful, and unselfish.” -Pinocchio
I wonder…are there any real boys out there.
- iTunes and my mac.
- ahhh spring.