boys I know.

I have sacrificed a lot to be home with the boy, particularly in the relationship field. Right now I’m okay with this, but eventually I won’t be. I’m not happy and sooner or later I’m going to have to do something about it. I think that it’s my duty to do as much as I possibly can to keep my family together, to try and make things work, for Ry’s sake at least. But I’m pretty tired and I feel like I’m the only one trying, like I’m the only one holding things together. More than anything, I want to set a good example for my son and I’m not doing it. I want him to see healthy, respectful, honest relationships. I don’t want him to see the way G and I are living and think this is the way to do things, this is the way to love and treat people. Because then the cycle never ends. He needs good role models and good people. Loving him is not enough.

My family teases me, says I am “anti-love” because of my attitude. I tend to make fun of love and the crap the entertainment industry produces in its name. But it isn’t that I’m anti-love. I just don’t believe that love can conquer all, that love is all you need. My situation is clear proof that love is not all you need.

When I look around at all the boys I know, I realize how much better things could be for us. I realize that we deserve better. We deserve more than someone telling us how much they love us, but not behaving in an honest, loving manner. Because if this is the way G loves us, then I don’t want to be loved.

There is a particular boy, we’ll call him George, George Glass, and I think “he’s got it all.” It makes me sad, because he’s so unavailable to me that we might as well be living on different planets. But that doesn’t keep me from thinking “if only…” and that’s a dangerous thought that could lead me down a dangerous path. Not with him, because as I’ve just said, even though he’s the boy I want, we’re on different planets. But it gets me thinking. Up till now I haven’t that interest in other boys was lacking. Now it seems to be coming back.

I don’t regret my life with G. If nothing else, it brought me Ry and I couldn’t ask for anything better or sweeter or more perfect than him.

I hate the person I’ve become with G and I am tired of hating myself. It’s so easy to be complacent and to settle for less, to compromise. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. The right choices are sometimes the hardest to make, but I have a friend who is in the middle of a divorce from a terrible man who treated her so poorly, and it gives me hope. If she can get herself out of a bad situation and move on, then so can I.

Of course, this means big changes for me. And for Ry. I won’t be able to be home with him, because I need to find work and support us. But I’ve been unbelievably lucky to have this time with him and I don’t regret that a single bit. It was so worth it.

“To become a real boy you must prove yourself brave, truthful, and unselfish.” -Pinocchio

I wonder…are there any real boys out there.

12 thoughts on “boys I know.

  1. Jonathan

    Honestly, Christabell, “George Glass” is SUCH a transparent pseudonym, you might as well just type “Jonathan Rouse” and be done with it. But it’s okay, I don’t mind being objectified. Just don’t put me on too much of a pedestal, I am only human, you know.

  2. Marianne

    Speaking as someone who was home for four years with her kids and recently went back to work full time I can tell you it’s hard. It is hard and painful and sometimes I leave my baby crying and screaming and sometimes I cry myself the whole way to work. But it gets easier. Some days are good and some are bad, but it is possible and I can say honestly and with my entire being that the kids are JUST FINE. I am not traumatizing them by working and not spending my days with them full time. Despite the fact that the baby sometimes cries when I leave him, he is happy with his babysitter and happy and well-adjusted all around.

    Sometimes, you have to do something that is the right decision for the family (your family being Ryland and yourself, which IS a complete family, no matter how many voices are telling you it isn’t so) but not the best decision for one individual. It’s okay to do that. In my case, it is the right decision for me to work for my own emotional fulfillment and to keep our family free from debt as much as possible, even though it may not be the BEST decision for the baby, who could clearly have benefitted from more time at home with me. But he is okay. And Ryland will be okay and so will you. Be strong. You will get through this and you and Ryland deserve a better life.

  3. DG

    Perhaps its time to stop looking for boys and consider looking for a man.
    As an old friend of mine once said: When the bills come in through the door, loves goes out the window.

  4. Steph

    Christa you deserve so much better. You are such a wonderful person and friend! You have so many people that care for you and Ry. We all love you both so much… and we are always here for you both. You need to do what is best for you! You need to be happy that is all that matters. If you are happy then so will Ryland.

  5. DG

    One of the good things about working at home is knowing what my cats where up to all day. Nothing.
    They werent up to a thing except sleeping. Another thing is playing the stereo low in the other room. Move to kansas city move to kansas city…she wants to move to kansas city…..
    where the sky is so blue ……………………………………….Okkervil River

  6. celly belly

    I agree with the comment about stop looking for boys and start looking or A MAN! and that doesnt mean in physical years, cause guys my age are still boys for the most part. I had to look for someone 19 years my senior and we get on better and have more fun and are MUCH more compatiable than any of the guys i’ve ever dated who were my own age. Of course, there’s still 50 year old boys out there as well, but at 32, when I felt as if all the good ones were taken and I was destined to be single forever, I met Bobby and now i’m completely and utterly in love and still surprised I found such a gem, that one still existed out there and how lucky I was to nab him. Love is still out there, you just have to deal with alot of assholes and mindfuckers along the way before you find it. Having dated more than my share of the above mentioned, it definitely made me appreciate what I have now, so much more. We were actually looking at engagement rings the other night, kinda scary, but exciting at the same time. I feel in my heart of hearts that this is the man i’m going to spend the rest of my life with. But dont settle! I did that for too long and realized i’d rather be single and alone, than in a relationship and alone. Do what is going to be the best for you and Ryland. Dont waste years being unhappy and in twenty years find yourself full of regret and wondering “what if” you’re a smart, educated woman, I know there’s better out there for you. I hope you find everything you’re looking for and deserve, Christa!

    Btw, if you want a good laugh, rent the movie ‘Mean Girls’ I had low expectations when I rented it, but I was desperate after having cancelled my cable, what made me think I was above cable? in any case, it actually turned out to be really funny, made me laugh out loud. Heehee… Ha! Ha! okay, I have to go now, America’s Next Top Model is starting in 10 minutes. That and The Starlet are my two new favourite shows. Oh boy, that sounded bad, huh? oh well, my dirty little secret is finally out, what a weight off my shoulders :-)

  7. DG

    It is becoming apparent that CB is pushing beyond the shrouds of myths and ignorance and is living life. I wish I could do that, maybe next year!, This year, right now, I am just to darn busy!

  8. celly belly

    “pushing beyond the shrouds of myths and ignorance and is living life?” okay, um…thanks (I think) I was a little confused by that. So DG, you’re too busy to live life? or too busy to be dating? I will soon be a busy little bee, starting my medical terminology classes in April, so my nights of reality tv watching will soon be drawing to an end. I SO have to get a Tivo :-) Christa, remember when we were living together and you were still with Morgan and were confused about whether or not to end things, but in the end it turned out to be the best thing for both of you. It’s hard to take the plunge and make a big change in your life and to end a relationship, especially when it’s the father of your baby, but if you arent in love with him and he isnt treating you the way you deserve to be treated, it’s not worth staying together for Ryland. I still cant believe you’re a mom, WOW! I bet you’re an awesome one! okey dokey, my time here on the library computer is almost up, so I must bid farewell for now. It’s like friggin summer here, cant believe it! i’ve already broken out my sandals, for cryin out loud!

  9. DG

    My intentions are always for the good, especially when posting Loafe. You are right, I am going to school and working, but there always time if you make it.
    As for as my word choice I am just having fun with words, I do that. Congratulations on your good situatuion and how you feel about it.

  10. DG

    By the way CB, here in Chicago there is a substantial blizzard going on right now and the temperature last night was 18 degrees. Help.

  11. Tiffany

    I’m with Celeste on this whole thing. The second you stop wishing and hoping and praying for new “good” love is the second it hits you like a freight train. And had you just stayed with Morgan because you were afraid, I would never have met him and we sure as hell wouldn’t be married now! So, I owe you so much for being brave and taking the very big step to dump his ass. :o)

    Christa, I’ve said it before… when YOU realize that you’re worth more…. you’ll do something to change what’s going on. And remember, when people show you who they are, believe them.

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