It’s that time of year again and if I haven’t already said it, I’ll say it again. Boy am in the holiday spirit. It must be because of Ryland. He’s made everything in my life brighter and better. It feels so good to have my own family, to know that I’m building the sort of memories and traditions that I have right now, with my family. I’m making that foundation for Ryland. It feels so freaking cool. I’ll stop and think and imagine years down the line, when my son will come home for christamas and bring his girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband and we’ll laugh and talk and drink and remember past holidays and be all jolly and merry together.
I just am so in love with that idea, which is probably a bad thing because if it doesn’t happen I’ll be devastated and by stating my desire for it now I’m undoubtedly jinxing it.
So I’m not religious and I still do the whole christmas thing, because that’s how it goes. And I was all worried about what to do with Ryland regarding this particular holiday. I certainly don’t want to instill in him this sense of materialistic expectation, but it’s fun to give and get presents and you try telling my family that we’re not going to do the whole christmas thing. They already think I’m a weird enough person and a weird enough parent. Tell them I’m nixing the santa/christmas deal and I’m sure they’ll have me locked up.
Anyway, like I was saying, I’m not religious. But I do have spiritual beliefs and I want to give Ryland some of that spirituality. And there is just something so perfect and comforting about this time of year, as if the cooler air somehow thins the barriers between worlds and waves, dimension and time. I want this to be special for him, for us. So when I read about what my friend Marianne is doing, I felt so much better. We’ll call christmas christamas, which of course we should all be doing already, and we’ll do winter solstice and I’ll teach Ryland about being spiritual and how to blend it in with the way the rest of the world celebrates. It’s perfect!
He’s still just a little baby right now so if I don’t get it quite right this year, it will be okay.
By the way, if I could marry Marianne, I would. She’s quite seriously the most influential person in my life and her depths, complexity and intelligence surprise me every single day. But I have to say, it really upsets me how my family (and probably most everyone else who knows us) thinks that I worship her and follow her every word and do anything and everything she says. They give me no credit, like I don’t have my own mind and my own choices and am smart enough and strong enough to think for myself and come to my own conclusions. I happily admit that she is a positive influence and strong and steady force in my life, but people should be thankful and happy that I have someone so in tune with the world looking out for me. But I know this so that’s all that matters.
This time last year I was busy making Ryland. I had no idea how my life was about to change so dramatically, no clue as to what was happening inside me and what my body was preparing to do. So many changes over so little time… It’s a little scary and a lot seductive.
- analyze me.
- employed now?