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she has
all the money that money couldn't buy 12-07-00 I've discovered that wearing lots and lots of layers helps to protect yourself again the cold. lots of layers. I'm like this fat little snowduck waddling around. QUACK. quack quack. ever notice that when you're late, like reeeeeely late, everyone else in the entire universe decides to take extra-long for everything? in fact, it's almost as if they believe they are in a slow-motion movie sequence and the slower they move the sexier they are or something. I ran out of gas on my way to work this morning. that sucked. and plus, I was totally broke and had to scrounge around for enough change in my car to fill up my little gas bucket. it wasn't that I ran out of gas by accident or I just didn't realize it or that I'm stupid. I ran out of gas because I HAD NO MONEY. I had to drive my car till it wouldn't drive anymore and then figure out something to do. which was I guess to find money in my car. which I guess I could have done before this, but I like to take care of things as they happen. I save lots of time that way. hair cut appointment next week. haircut. hair cut. I don't know. either way, it's next week. dude. my cat does the weirdest thing. after he's done eating or he just decides he is sick of looking at his food dish or something, he sits and scratches at everything around the dish till he gets it covered up. it could be a paper bag or maybe a shirt or a newspaper. it doesn't matter, he just scratches and scratches and paws till his food is covered. right now I am taking the pad of my thumb and pushing it in deep into all sorts of little places on my feet. it feels good. it hurts a little, too. I bet you thought I was gonna say something dirty, didn't you? oooh, I talked to a cute, sexy canadian today. no it wasn't nick (although he is a very sexy and cute canadian). It was this speaker from work. I had to call to find out information about him and he had a sexy canadian accent and when he said my name, I peed my pants and then died. he's a mountain climber and a desert tracker and umm...I don't know, all sorts of things. he does all this outdoorsy stuff. which is very very appealing, like astoundingly so. he told me he was about to make a 120-day expedition in Tibet, if he could get the funding. I am pretty sure he's single, which means he will marry me now. I hope I get to call him again tomorrow. I gave him my phone number. haha, but not in THAT way. I gave him my work number so if he had any questions or anything, he could call me. you know, for business purposes. and if he wanted to have hot sweaty mad monkey sex, you know, for BUSINESS, that's just part of my job. I don't think I like his name that much, so I'll just call him bk. I love him. I am getting a very very nasty taste in my mouth for relationships, because so many people are in so many bad ones. I'm starting to realize how little respect you must have for yourself and for other people to be in a fucked-up relationship and stay in it when you know you shouldn't. It's pathetic. I cringe when I think back to when I was with Morgan and when I didn't have a job and all I did was spend his money. God. What a fucking useless piece of loser trash. But I knew we were in a bad relationship and I ended it because I could not live with myself and that person I was, to be taken care of like a child, to let someone else take responsibility for me. I really have a lot of respect for myself, for knowing what needed to be done and for actually doing it. and now, when I see other people doing what I did--it drives me insane, especially when people I care about are involved. And when I hear things like "but it's complicated, I can't just end it" or "it is hard, I can't just leave" or "but I love him, I love her, we have fun together, the sex is good, I don't know what to do, I can't just walk away" blah blah etc, etc, I just want to punch them in the head. I was there, I know what it feels like, I know the excuses, I know the reasons, I know it all, and it took me awhile but I finally did it and now i have no patience or sympathy for anyone who stays in an unhealthy relationship. I think that makes me kind of a bad person, like maybe I should be more understanding, but I'm not, and I can't help it. whew. did I just go insane or what? grandma makes me laugh. she's always trying to get me to eat. breakfast in the mornings, take my lunch, dinner, snack, food food food. I don't like filled doughnuts. she gave me one on my way to work this morning. I didn't eat it. it is still sitting on the passenger seat of my car. I like other doughnuts though. see our lovely cafe for more details. loafe thanks you for your patronage. i'm gonna go to bed now.
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