|
I tell you
the past is a bucket of ashes. -carl sandburg 11-15-00 so here's the deal: I don't care anymore who is the next president. it is tiresome now and I can't continue to be so stressed and crazed about it. but you know, I am glad that this whole mess is happening because maybe that will help to bring some change into our voting system. I was watching chris rock tonight and they were doing this little joke segment with their "correspondent" in Florida and when chris rock asked her what the solution to this election problem would be, she said "Fuck Florida" and I laughed so hard. It was very funny. also, if you are not american, then mind your own business and shut the fuck up about our election. we don't need to hear and we don't want to hear what your stupid opinions are or what you think should happen or why you suck cause I already know why you suck. so shut up. seriously. especially if you're a brit. anyway. here I am! loafing in arizona. so far, this trip has been immensely better than the last one. Even though it's been sickness-riddled. it's been good. for my non-physical self. things have been very laid back and low-key and that is exactly what I was wanting. needing, I think. I haven't been here long, but I feel renewed and refreshed. I don't know. I'm in this very strange place right now. I've been down for so long. And it is always a struggle for me to get on top of it. I am always trying and never succeeding, feeling like a constant failure. and before this visit here to Tucson, I was really down on myself. I was starting to believe Boston had been a mistake. I was hating myself. I was believing all those bad things were true. I know what my problems are. I know what I need to fix. And even though I am always trying to change, to improve, it felt like I was getting nowhere--the same old christa doing the same old christa things, stuck in an endless rut, stagnant, making no progress. but then I realized something. I was with Michelle and we were on a long walk in this gorgeous tucson autumn weather and we were just talking about everything and then it hit me--I AM changing. It's just been happening at such a slow pace that I didn't recognize it. But it's there, it's happening. slowly, but it IS happening. and I feel so good about things now. I have this new perspective that I was blind to before. I'm changing and it's slow and it couldn't feel more right. Because this means that it's real. The person I want to be? I am becoming her every day and it takes time, good changes that are meant to be lasting always take time. I didn't become such a screwed-up mess overnight. Breaking free from that person isn't gonna be quick and painless. and you know what? there is no deadline. I'm in new territory right now. It is unnerving but I like it. suddenly everything is open to me again. sure I'm worried and scared and full of doubts and I have lots of self-esteem work ahead of me. but I think, I know, that nothing can stop me anymore, especially myself. so yeah, this trip is good. good for christas. now I just gotta stop being sick. then everything will be perfect. I miss boston and my kitties something fierce, that's for sure.
loafe theme song | pitas | epinions | mail |