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To change one's life: start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions. -William James 11-03-00 during the day, I feel okay. then night comes and then bed time comes and I get so anxious and I want to crawl out of my skin. It's the most maddening feeling. I'm ready to cry and I'm fighting it and I'm trying to stay calm and if my head would just explode then I might feel better. it's not a good feeling. it might be because I am not really taking my meds lately. a non-medicated christa is a loose cannon christa. life would be just fine if everything would go my way. I got this very cool stress reliever ball thingie at compusa a week or so ago. it's blue and it's made of that gel stuff and it's soft but hard and it feels really good. that's what I am going to do. I talk about my miserable life. and I have to change it. I want to change it. so I just have to go all out, be crazy, and change my life. I know I can do it. It's just a matter of convincing myself I'm worth it. I'm strong enough, that I know. but it takes more than strength. I keep stopping to play with my ball. If I had two of these, I could say "I keep stopping to play with my balls". lately my kitties have been sleeping in one of my dresser drawers. it is so cute when they both get in it together. god. it is the cutest thing. almost three am. good job christa. so I promise you this loafe: I'm gonna stop being so negative and really work on being happy, on liking who I am. but tonight--tonight I'm gonna be sad and wish everything were different and that you were mine.
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