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12:08am
EST
Loafe has a theme song! oh my! it's super sexy and I am the proudest
loafe owner in the whole wide world. And you don't have to go far
to hear this fabulous creation. The Official
Loafe Theme Song, music and lyrics by the very cute and creative
Mr Ryan. we love you Ryan. We love you.
anne-marie
was going to write a new loafe entry for me, but she started and
never finished. damn women. you can't count on them for anything.
ugh.
i keep having to see stupid padraig with that stupid pretty blonde
irish girl. it's driving me crazy, every time I see them I want
to scream.
earlier
today, I was talking with one of the soundest boys I know. We were
discussing my activities lately, which have been consisting mostly
of getting drunk and/or stoned. And while that is fun and everything,
it really isn't getting me anywhere. He just made a lot of sense
and convinced me (more than I have been able to convince myself)
to branch out and get more into my life than these stupid Irish
boys and the pubs.
so
sitting in the tara tonight, watching these boys, talking to them,
it suddenly hit me. I was not where I belonged. Not an inkling or
a suspicion, but "my god, what am I doing here??" A moment
of clarity maybe. I don't know. but I felt it, I thought it, and
it really hit home. perhaps it was the earlier discussion with my
sound boy.
I
think maybe some of it also had to do with Anthony (only anthony
is Irish so his name is probably spelled entheiany or something
crazy like that). Anyway, Anthony is here visiting his brother,
Mick. I like Anthony. I like him a lot. He's fun to talk to, he's
interesting, he's funny, he's smart. I really like him. I
don't know him that well, but I like what I know and I want to know
more. He's here for just a short time. He doesn't want anything
more than the rest of them. so you know, what *I* want doesn't make
a difference.
But
after spending what I considered "quality" time with him,
it still kinda hurt when he barely said anything to me. When he
seemed almost embarrassed to talk to me. I expected (wanted) more
from him. So it's my own fault. And that made me realize that no
matter what, I am just not going to find what I am looking for in
that pub, in any of these pubs. It's just not going to happen. And
I don't want to be stuck in this endless, heartbreaking loop any
longer. I'm done with it. I'm tired and drained and there is no
solace. don't get me wrong--I like the sex I've had, I've enjoyed
it, despite what it makes people say about me. But sex only gets
you so far and I'm ready to go a little farther now.
Damn
it though. it just pisses me off. You don't deserve me anyway Anthony.
You or padraig or niall or any of you.
there
is a jeff buckley somewhere out there, waiting for me. I just know
it. a combination of all the things I want and need and crave, wrapped
in a thick, beautiful complicated mess of a man.
something
that my best friend eddie read in "money" that he thought
I'd really like and he was right: "It's for the touch, for
the touch. After all we are only human beings down here and we could
do with a lot more praise and comfort than we actually get. Earthling
reassurance - it's in permanently short supply, don't you think?
Be honest, brother. Lady, now tell the truth. When was the last
time a fellow-Earther let you rest your head on their heart, caressed
your cheek, and said things designed to make you feel deeply okay?
It doesn't happen often enough does it.. We'd all like it to happen
a lot more often than it does. Can't we do a deal? Oh boy (i bet
you're thinking), that head-on-heart stuff, whew, could i use a
little of that."
I
want to rest my head on your heart and feel deeply okay.
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