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1:50pm
EST
I always feel like I am the ocean and the entire world is the moon.
always full of longing and desire, following the moon, wanting the
moon, waiting, chasing, never reaching, pining, pining, always pining,
i'm the ocean, you're the moon, come down to me.
whenever
anyone says to me I need to update loafe I say "YOU UPDATE
LOAFE" and no one ever does. so unless you intend to update
loafe for me, then don't tell me to update loafe.
another
jeff buckley quote "there's no relief in this". This could
be applied to many aspect of my life, but lately I think it fits
well with my going-out behavior. By that I mean, how I seem to be
constantly going out and drinking and getting stoned and losing
all sense of myself and what I want and doing stupid things. There
is nothing in that. No solace, definitely no relief. I still wake
up Christa. I can't escape my sadness and loneliness and overwhelming
need and emotional craziness no matter how much I drink or how stoned
I am. I know. I need new drugs. yes. marijuana and alcohol are just
not doing their job anymore. time for chemical escapism in a new
form.
and
for you people who are stupid, I am kidding. About starting new
drugs. not about wanting to, but about actually doing it. oh just
shut up and nevermind.
last
week I saw Niall go home with a nasty skank and Padraig go home
with a girl a million times prettier than me. I am not sure which
makes me feel worse. I guess no girls at all, but that doesn't happen
and so I am left feeling pretty icky no matter what. It is all of
my own doing though so I can't be too upset now, can I.
I
always start loafe entries and then stop and come back and now it's
a day or two later than when I originally started this.
anyway.
many
things are bothering me right now, my life seems to be going into
this downward uncontrollable spiral and it is all my own fault but
at the same time I feel like everything absolutely everything is
beyond my control. I don't know what I'm doing, what I'm going to
do, what I've already done. I want to just get lost in oblivion,
any kind of oblivion, I don't care anymore, just take me away from
this mess that has become my life, this misery that I've created,
please let me out.
Is
this about a boy? no. yes. is this about me? yes. Always about me,
yes a resounding yes so many yeses, I am so christa obsessed it's
scary.
Apparently
padraig is quite smitten with the pretty girl from a few nights
ago. He likes her quite a bit. This I learned by being witness to
their togetherness and what he told anne-marie. this makes me sad,
so sad. not just because I like padraig. Yes I liked him, I still
like him, a big mad crush, that whole bit, and seeing him with any
girl is always a small blow, a little smashing on my heart, but
you know it's okay, because he's irish and he's a boy and I'm just
a stupid slut and I know my place. To keep some sort of dignity,
because even girls like me, girls who sleep around, even we need
a little bit of that dignity, I kept telling myself "he's here
for fun, he wants nothing serious, just lots of conquests, lots
of good times, sex, drugs, alcohol, all fun, it isn't YOU christa
that he isn't interested in, it's the whole idea of Something More
that he isn't interested in so it's okay". Yes, I tell myself
this and of course it is true, it's true, but you know what else
is true? It is ME. I am exactly the one he (and every other boy)
is not interested in. He's finding Something More with someone else,
not with christa, he's finding it with someone who is sweet and
pretty, not this wasted joke that is myself, and why on earth why,
why why would I expect anything different. It's always been this
way. I see myself as worthless therefore I act like I am worthless
and this is where I end up. I'm fuckable, that's true. oh yes, good
for a fuck. hey if you're hard-up and need a little warmth, give
christa a shout, she's always good for a fuck and she already knows
that this is all she's good for so you don't have a thing to worry
about. So I see him and my heart and body shine for him, but my
light is tarnished and harsh and unflattering and she's over there
shining beautifully for him and he basks in her glow and I'm going
to fade away into black, into darkness.
I
wanted Niall last night. Purely sexual. He kept making out with
some other girl, not the skank from a few nights ago, but a really
dull, bland not at all sexy girl. And then when she would go off
to the other end of the bar, Niall would be at my side and I could
feel him against me, his hands on my thighs, and I knew that if
I just gave in a little more I could have him, and I wanted to give
in because the only way I can ever relate to boys, especially these
boys, is sexually. And I wanted him. Plain and simple. and even
though I saw him groping neila, even though he was trying so hard
to go with that other girl, even though I know he thinks I'm pretty
useless, I still wanted him. I think I had serious intentions of
having sex with him last night, physically I was aching for him,
but I remember going to the bathroom and when I came back he was
gone. no more Niall, no sexy niall fun for christa.
I
need to get out of the house for a little while. I need to get out
of the world for a little while. My life is seriously fucked right
now and I don't see a way out.
I
think the next nice thing someone says to me will make me cry.
Oh
and loafe wishes mr paul
a happy and belated birthday.
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