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Would love
to see some pictures of you masturbating, Christa. 01-19-01 right now I have jessie's girl playing. by rick springfield. "i've been funny, I've been cool with the lines. ain't that the way love's supposed to be?" you don't get better lyric-writing than that, kids. so I've been in school this week. glorious glorious school. it feels really good. and i am very happy. i feel solid again. funny how things change so quick that you almost miss it. being in class with all these young kids is really terrific. it's very amusing and entertaining and sufficiently annoying for me and I do indeed feel very old. but with that oldness I also feel experienced (in a good way). I sort of envy them their position right now, but mostly I am glad I am NOT that young again. and I was thinking, I don't care how mature or intelligent you may be for your age, there are some things that you just *don't* get when you're that young. you just don't. I thought I was wise beyond hell when I was 19 and in fact I knew very little. but still, they have the ability to be completely adorable in their innocence. especially emerson kids. let me tell you, the majority of the students there haven't had to worry about much more than what to have for lunch. in philosophy class, we're reading rene descartes, this big heavy philosophy guy. and at one point in his meditation thing, he says that insane people think "they have heads made of clay, or that they are gourds or that they are made of glass". isn't that swell? I wish I lived where in a place where I thought my head was clay or I was a gourd or I was made of glass. that's the kind of insane I want to be, because that's just cool. you can say "my head is made of clay" and I just want that. or you think "i'm glass, I better not fall". but I'm gonna go crazy you know. there are soooooo many cute boys. i want to just scream. everywhere! each one cuter than the last. so young, so innocent, so fresh. I want to corrupt. there's this one boy who lookes just like jeff buckley. he's in zero of my classes, but I've seen him, saw him last year and he's just completely beautiful. it hurts to look at him and i know he's not jeff buckley and he doesn't have the qualities I love so much about jeff, but he LOOKS like jeff and therefore he is just as sensitive and troubled and sexy and sweet and vulnerable as jeff buckley was and I can pretend it's jeff and so when I'm having sex with him it will actually be jeff buckley I am having sex with. heh, walking through the public gardens to get from class to class, I walk over this little pond thing there and the water is mostly frozen and there are all these ducks that congregate around the small piece of the pond that isn't frozen and they sit there and tuck their little heads deep into their body and it's so fucking cute and I love it. they're all snuggly with themselves and it makes me want to be a duck and carry them all home and remember it forever. okay okay enough of school stuff. i went to the gym and it had been awhile and boy did I get out of shape and boy did I get white. i used to be tan all the time and then something happened and now i'm just not. I have to do something about this, but I won't. you know something else? I really wish I could be someone else so I could fall in love with myself and all that. I mean, yeah I can love myself and be with myself for the rest of my life and have sex with myself, but i mean like be a different person loving me. cause if I were someone else, I'd be mad crazy dizzy in love with me, I really would. even as much as I hate me, I love me. it's so crazy to be christa, i'm the best carnival ride ever (yes you can take that sexually as well). i'm pretty egotisical for having such crappy self-esteem. as of right now, I have not seen anyone else masturbate in the window. i've been looking. and nothing. grams is gone for the night. anyone wanna come over? i've got scrabble.
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