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I hate and
love. You may ask why I do so. I do not know, but I feel it and
am in torment. 01-11-01 for me, driving is like a video game. i like to go fast and weave around and take sharp corners and be a race car driver, basically. it's all just one big video game. you'd think I would be pretty dangerous, but see, I'm such an excellent driver that it all balances out in the end. I'm sleepy. I'm always sleepy. i've got sort of good news and bad news from emerson. good news is that I got enough financial aid for this semester. that's good. that's great, in fact. the bad news is that I didn't get enough to cover my previous balance of about $1000. so that means that I still have to come up with that much before I can register. and classes start on Tuesday. so, where does that leave me? I don't know. and here is what really makes me mad: for the past year, I have been working and instead of saving money and preparing, I've fucking wasted it all. goddamn it! why am I such an asshole? especially with money? it is impossible for me to be responsible with money. I can't do it. what is my problem? why can't I just be smart and save money and be an adult? so I deserve everything I get. I screwed it up and I wasted all my chances and then I bitch and moan and complain and act like nothing ever goes right for me, when the truth is I'm just a stupid jerk. I really have no idea how I stand being me. I have a very serious love-hate relationship with myself. right now things are up in the air. I can't register for classes till I've paid. classes start tuesday. so my plan for right now is to work on getting the money and going to the classes I want/need and have the instructors sign off on me (allowing me in their class) and then by the end of next week have everything paid for and all my classes officially registered. That's my plan. of course, as we all know, what christa plans and what actually happens are rarely the same. I am such an incredible asshole. what makes me an even bigger asshole is that I SEE that I'm an asshole but I do nothing to change it; instead I just sit around and bitch and feel sorry for myself. I'm very irritated with myself. I ate a lot of cheese today. it was good. but you know, I'm lactose intolerant. I am punishing myself for being such a jackass loser. Wednesday,
January 10, 2001: for all the spoiling my dad did of me, for all he gave me, I only wish he could have kept me safe, clean and innocent. celeste's boyfriend broke up with her, saying he mistook platonic love for romantic love. jesus. that really sucks. she lives in seattle and I am far away and there's nothing I can do for her and even if I lived in the same city there still wouldn't be much I could do cause this kind of suckage doesn't go away for a long time and nothing can really be done or said to make it feel better. she really loved him, too. it's tough when you give that to someone and they don't want it. I love you celly belly. come visit me. we'll have fun, I promise. right now I am listening to REM's song "fretless". I really love this song. how do you know when someone is worth forgiving or worth giving up on?
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