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maybe this
year will be better than the last. 01-01-01 yes I had fun typing out "01-01-01" for the date. you only get to do that once, my friends. my email seems to be broken. I don't know why, but maybe it will fix itself. I hope so. I like getting email. in case it doesn't fix itself, I've looked into other possible solutions, so maybe I just might get to the bottom of this little problem. if you've tried to write me email, keep trying! or I know, how about you send it to loafe@mindspring.com. yeah do that! and don't forget to tell me how much you love me! soooooo. another year. yep. bye bye 2000, thanks for the flying cars and all the robots! did you know that it has been a full year since I moved to boston? I've been trying very hard not to think about this, but it's difficult to avoid such an obvious fact. where i thought my life would be and where my life actually is--those two things are worlds apart and it irritates me and makes me very angry with myself. the past year sucked in so many ways. crappy crappy crappy. it was a really lame year in the boy department, too. stupid 2000. but I can't be too hard on myself. I did move across the country by myself and I've managed to survive and I'm still here in Boston, so that has to mean something. with the new year and me being so sick lately, I examined my life's priorities and boy are they fucked up. I'm working like crazy with these two jobs, running myself ragged, making myself sick, draining all my motivation and desire. I'm not in school, I'm not involved with anyone, I'm not getting anywhere, I'm not happy. And it's stupid. it's stupid because I know what I want and I can get it and I will and so there. Last night, when midnight hit and everyone's celebrating and cheering and kissing, I sat there alone and watched them all welcoming the new year. If I had been welcoming 2001, I would have felt bad. I was sitting there totally alone. but I was saying goodbye and it somehow just felt right, to do it alone, on that barstool, sober, sick and watchful. now maybe i can stop hating myself enough to get on with life and do the things I came to boston to do. don't worry though, I'll always have a nice chunk of self-hatred floating around in me. yes I'm still sick, but I don't look so deathly horribly freakish anymore. i know you were wondering. grams is obsessed with feeding me eggs and bacon in the morning. I don't like bacon at all and I'm not so fond of eggs, but I love grams. would you ever purposely avoid the opportunity to fall in love? sometimes I wish I wasn't such a bitch.
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